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New DS fic -- Truly, Madly, Deeply pt 1
TITLE: Truly, Madly, Deeply
PAIRINGS: Fraser/Kowalski, Jack/Daniel
CATEGORY: Angst, drama
RATING: PG13
NOTES: Don't ask me where the story came from. I don't know, and I don't want to either *g*. This is, for the DS part, Post-CotW and for SG it's an AU.
NOTES II: Supportive cast -- This is not your ordinary Jack and Daniel (Stargate), but an AU version that I created more than two years ago. I was torn between using original characters or these two, but the muses are pushy and move in a mysterious ways *g* -- do you have to read the AU? No. That's not necessary. If you want to, it's called Protected
Unlike this story, there's more sex in Protected than you can shake a stick at ^_~
THANKS TO: Nicci and Brynn for the beta -- and the heartsisters for the read-through
Thank you to the lovely, talented![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
nicci_mac, who donated both this fab cover and the manip at the end of the story
The heady experience of being pinned down, possessed, nearly drove him out of his mind. The growl in his ear and the thrusts into his body, pushed him to the edge and the complete white-out of his climax painted the world colorless.
Ray woke up with a gasp. Blinking myopically at the bedside clock, he sighed and fell back on the bed. 6AM... Rubbing his eyes, he decided it was way to fucking early to get out of bed.
Job interview. The thought hit him. Oh, how he'd prefer to simply stay where he was with the blankets pulled over his head. Unfortunately he couldn't. He owed Welsh to give this a go.
'You're ripe for the nut house,' Ray told himself. 'You should see this as a chance to make a fresh start.' He needed it, needed the leg up from the downward spiral he'd gotten himself caught in. To think he'd had it all. Friends, a fabulous partner... a job he could finally admit to enjoy. Then, through one stupid case, it had all gone to hell.
"I can't even hate you," Ray said to the ghosts of memories in the room. The loss hit him again and Ray knew he might as well get up and go the gym. If he stayed in his bed, he'd just be trapped by his depressing thoughts.
"I've got this friend..." Welsh said, giving Ray a speculative look.
"Yeah?" Ray said, trying not to sound as dead on his feet as he was.
"Yeah, old friend of the family. He's looking for a good, hardworking guy with his head on right."
"Oh? Lieu... I don't..." Ray shook his head. He didn't want anyone trying to steer him right. It wasn't worth it.
"Hey, talk to the man. He's got a company specializing in security. He's a good guy."
As he showered after three hours in the gym, Ray went over what he'd need to remember for the interview. Stick to the truth, don't oversell yourself and don't do the opposite either. Welsh had said that the guy was ex-military and sharp.
'Get a grip, Kowalski.' He needed this, needed something apart from his fucked up life to concentrate on. Well, what was left of it anyway. No partner, no job to speak of, and the return of his ex-wife and her new husband... no, coupled with his parents returning to Arizona, Ray really didn't like the air in Chicago too much at the moment. Anything would be better than sitting around feeling sorry for himself.
"Kowalski?"
Ray looked up to find a tall man staring intently at him. The guy was at least six feet tall and fairly well-built under those casual threads. Dark-grey slacks, a white t-shirt and a dark-grey suit jacket. Not a bad look for him. The graying hair said something about his age, but the shine to the brown eyes and the quirky smile to the thin lips did a lot to counter those years.
"Yeah?" Ray stood up from the chair he'd been sitting on for the past ten minutes, waiting for his interview.
"O'Neill," the guy said, holding out a hand for a quick handshake. Firm handshake -- perfectly balanced between 'I'm an alpha' and 'I'm not a threat to you'. "You have lunch yet?"
Ray blinked a couple of times, but his stomach was faster than he was, growling at the idea of food. He hadn't been feeling like eating earlier, so the only thing he'd downed, was a couple of cups of coffee.
O'Neill laughed warmly. "I guess that says it all. There's a little diner around the corner. You game?"
Ray rubbed a hand over his hair, trying to catch up. "I, eh... sure."
"Great, I just got here from the airport and haven't eaten since this morning." O'Neill gestured toward the door out. "Daniel would kill me if he found out," O'Neill muttered as he herded Ray out the door.
Ray frowned but figured he might as well go with the flow.
Before he knew it, he was seated across the table from the man who might, or might not, be his future employer. Ray wasn't sure what to think, but he kind of liked the guy's straight-forward attitude.
"So, Welsh tell you what I'm looking for?" O'Neill asked after he'd ordered steak and baked potatoes.
Ray had ordered a sandwich. He was way too wired to eat a full meal. Shaking his head, he sat back on the chair. "Nope, the Lieutenant just said you had a security company."
O'Neill nodded. "Yeah, I originally ran it from the office we just left, but a couple of years ago I ended up with an SO, so now I live in New York and run a second office from there. We mostly do security work, body guards, security consulting for both companies and private clients."
"I'm still not sure I know what you want with me," Ray admitted.
O'Neill grinned and waved his hand back and forth. "I mostly hire people with either law-enforcement backgrounds, or military. I've rarely hired anyone without either knowing them or knowing someone who did. I hear you're a good cop, good intuition, if a little on the wild side." The last was added with an amused lift of a scarred eyebrow.
Ray shrugged. "That's a nice way of putting it," he muttered.
"You're not suicidal, are you?" O'Neill asked frankly.
Ray pursed his lips. "No." 'Not yet,' he added in thought.
"You know your way around a gun, you know how to work a case. I need that. We've been having the occasional request for finding 'lost' people, more detective work than actual security. I don't want to say no to clients with problems. But most of my employees are ex-soldiers of some kind, and although they're all intelligent people, we need something extra."
Ray nodded slowly. "Welsh tell you I'm a basket case?" he asked, a little shocked that it had slipped out.
Smiling, O'Neill cocked his head to the side. "He said a great many things about you, Kowalski."
"He tell you I went North, came home, screwed up my life and that he's had to drag me out of a few stupid situations since then?" Ray wondered why the fuck he felt like being this honest at the moment.
O'Neill eyed him silently for a long time, didn't even break eye contact when the waitress put their plates in front of them. The silence felt oppressive to Ray, who tried not to fidget.
"You're blunt," O'Neill finally said, his expression unreadable. "Welsh said you had a case blow up in your face, you had a 'difference of opinion' with your partner and from there, he's been worried about you."
"Like I said," Ray snorted, eyeing his sandwich with doubt. Suddenly he wasn't all that hungry. "I'm a basket case."
"Well, I must admit I've already got someone in mind for the job here in Chicago," O'Neill admitted softly.
Ray nodded. Wasn't as if he'd stood any kind of chance the moment his sudden burst of honesty had run him over.
"How does New York sound to you, Kowalski?"
Ray blinked rapidly, finally looking up at the man again, wondering what the hell he was talking about.
"You got a problem breaking camp and moving to the Big Apple?" O'Neill's smile was back, at least in his eyes.
Swallowing hard, Ray shrugged. "I haven't got anything left to keep me in Chicago," he admitted.
"Need a nice, clean start?"
"Why are you doing this?" Ray finally asked.
"Because if you're as good as Welsh says ye are, I think I'm willing to take a little risk." O'Neill said. "I need someone like you who can communicate with the local law, so that we won't step on some precinct's toes. I get the feeling you'd rather not do that here in Chicago...?"
Ray shrugged. "Most don't know me anyway, to the rest..."
"You've got a reputation," O'Neill said with a soft smile. "Besides, I hear you're good with a gun."
Ray snorted. "Only when I'm wearing my glasses," he admitted.
"You're gonna have to wear 'em full time," O'Neill warned. "Or get contacts. I want my people tip-top."
"Can't wear contacts," Ray said, wondering what kind of surreal talk this was. It was a damned roller-coaster ride.
O'Neill merely nodded. "Get a new prescription to be on the safe side, when we get to New York."
Ray held up his hands, trying to stop the steam-roller across the table. "Whoa... Are you hiring me?"
"Yeah. Isn't that obvious?" O'Neill's grin turned downright teasing then sobered a little. "That is, if you think you're up to it?"
"I...," Ray cleared his throat. "I don't know what to say," he admitted sheepishly. Nothing he'd thought about before the interview seemed relevant. Leave Chicago? No problem, though... "Well, there is the fact that I'll have to find somewhere to live in New York," he admitted.
"Finish up whatever you need to here. The building we use for offices has quite a few apartments that are leased mainly to employees," O'Neill told him.
"Is this for real?" Ray asked, shaking his head. This was unbelievable. He kept expecting for the other shoe to drop.
"Well, there is one last thing," O'Neill said, finishing off his steak. "How do you feel about gays?"
"Wha'?" What the hell was he supposed to say to that? 'No problem, sir. I'd be a bigot to condemn gays, considering...'
"Just tell me the first thought that comes to mind," O'Neill said intently.
"I don't have any problems with homosexuals," Ray said, keeping his voice steady. Keeping the memories locked down, the flashes of memories at least. A jumble of tattered images, sounds, tastes...
"Good..."
"Mind if I ask why you would ask me such a question?"
O'Neill grinned widely. "Because your future boss is one and you being from a society that isn't exactly known for embracing this 'different lifestyle', I had to ask."
Ray shook his head, feeling a little confused. Well, it explained the comment about the SO and probably the one about 'Daniel' as well. "No... no problem," he said softly.
O'Neill eyed him speculatively, then nodded. "Good, now eat your sandwich -- you can't function on coffee alone."
Ray smiled softly. "I know... you're not the first one to point that out."
"Eat up, kid," O'Neill said as he pushed his plate aside. "I've got some errands to do while I'm in Chicago. I want you to think about my offer, then call me." A business card was pushed across the table. "I meant what I said, I could use a man like you in the fold."
Ray nodded, although, deep down, he already knew his answer.
O'Neill nodded and stood, for a moment resting a warm hand on Ray's shoulder. A light squeeze and he let go, pulling out some bills from his pocket, laying them down on the table.
Ray sat back, alone, in the diner, staring at his sandwich. He'd just been offered a job, a ticket out of Chicago, away from faces and places that did nothing but remind him of how royally he'd screwed up.
Either this was a miracle, or eventually something else would happen to blow down his house of cards, because someone up there had a horrible sense of humor.
A way out... Ray looked at the sandwich again, feeling his stomach finally settle enough for him to eat. He'd take it, he had a feeling... a hunch... that this was exactly what he needed.
Ray sat down on his bed, looking around the room. He'd brought very little with him from his old haunt. A few knick-knacks, a desk. The chili-string light. Ray ran a hand over the quilt covering his bed... his new bed. Maybe this would keep away the dreams. Too many memories were attached to the old one. His hand brushed against the string and feather next to him. Yeah, maybe a new bed could do what the dream catcher hadn't been capable of. Maybe he had worn it out, because for a long time it hadn't caught any of his bad dreams.
Since Fraser had gone back North, really.
Picking up the dream catcher, Ray stood and went to the dresser. Pulling out the bottom drawer, he dropped the thing inside, next to the journals from their quest and the small box of photos. Ray shook his head and closed the drawer again.
Time to concentrate on the present instead of the past. Tomorrow would be his first day in his new job. O'Neill had given him four days from his arrival to get settled. The apartment wasn't bad. Living room, bedroom, roomy bathroom, office/guestroom and a small kitchen. More than he'd had before.
Ray had wondered if he could afford it until he'd seen the contract. Christ. His new salary was a lot better than it'd been as a cop. Not that it mattered all that much. To Ray it was a chance to start over with people who didn't know him, who had no expectations of him beyond him doing his job.
For the first time he had a new life without having to go undercover to get it. It was exhilarating... but it scared him shitless.
"Kowalski."
Ray looked up after signing the form O'Neill had handed him before leaving Ray on his own in the office. O'Neill was leaning casually against the doorjamb.
"Sir?" Ray put the pen down and concentrated on the man.
O'Neill snorted. "It's Jack, O'Neill or 'Boss' as some of the people around here say. I put 'sir' behind me when I left the Air Force."
Ray rubbed the back of his head and smiled tentatively at O'Neill. It was a bit unsettling how the man got around Ray's reserve without even trying. "Sure thing... Boss."
"I've got someone I'd like you to meet. I don't want to send you out on any assignment half-assed. I want you to pair up with one of the guys for a few cases, then we'll see. The work we do is either team-based or loner stuff. You got a problem with one or the other?"
Ray shook his head. "I wouldn't have been a cop for all those years if I'd pulled the Dirty Harry routine too often."
O'Neill grinned and turned a little in the doorway, gesturing at someone behind him. Another man came in, fairly muscular build, though a little shorter than O'Neill. The crew cut was military, but the guy smiled openly at him and put out a hand for Ray to shake.
"Ferretti," he introduced himself. "Lou among friends."
Ray shook the proffered hand. "Ray Kowalski." Ray frowned. "Have we met before?"
Ferretti raised an eyebrow. "Not that I know of. Unless you've been in the AF as well."
Ray shook his head. "Nah, just a slip of memory, I guess. Unless you've ever been on a ghost ship."
Ferretti snorted but shook his head. "Can't say I have." He turned to their boss. "Well, Jack. You got anything for Ray and me to dig into?"
"Oh, do I ever," Jack said with a smirk. "First, you, Ferretti, are going to find Janine, then go up to the archive upstairs and get the necessary papers for the shooting range, and then you're taking our new man downstairs for some shooting practice. I want statistics, gentlemen."
"Will do, sir," Ferretti said with a grin and a half salute. "See ya in a moment, kid." With that he was out the door again.
O'Neill shook his head and went to the table by the window, pouring water and beans into the coffee machine. "I swear to God, that man will drive me crazy some day."
Ray grinned. "Isn't that what friends are for?"
O'Neill turned and gave him a strange look. "I think you're right," he laughed. "Coffee's gonna be ready in a moment, I'm gonna go for a bit. Help yourself to a cup. If I know Lou, he'll be a while before he returns with the forms. He's got an eye on our lovely secretary," O'Neill said, with a roll of the eyes and a fond smile.
"Hey, O'Neill?"
"Yeah?" Stopping at the door, O'Neill turned around.
Ray cleared his throat. "Mind if I ask you something?"
"Sure, go ahead."
"The tone around here seems very..." Ray searched for the right word.
O'Neill grinned as if he knew exactly what Ray was hinting at. And he probably did. "Loose? Nearly insubordinate?"
Ray nodded. He liked it, but he wasn't sure how to act himself. These people seemed to know each other and he didn't want to risk being too familiar this early on.
"You'll find that if you click with people here, you'll be part of a big family. We're a bit dysfunctional at times, but we take care of each other and our own," O'Neill explained with a soft smile. "I hope you'll like it here."
Ray felt his own smile widening. "I think I will, Boss. Thanks. For all of it."
O'Neill smiled and gave him a quick salute before leaving the room.
Ray went over to the window, watching the streets a few floors below. Outside, New York didn't look too different from Chicago. Big city, lots of people... Ray shook himself out of his reverie and went to the coffeemaker, taking one of the mugs next to it, filling it and taking a sip of the dark liquid. Too bad there were no M&Ms. Then again, this was damned good coffee. Ray sighed as the taste hit him. Oh yeah, great coffee.
There was a noise by the door and Ray turned, expecting either Ferretti or O'Neill to have returned. Instead he found a tall good-looking guy in a dark blue suit, who was rubbing his eyes tiredly, obviously steering toward the coffee.
"Oh... I didn't think anyone was in here," the man said, blue eyes focusing on Ray. "I'm Daniel," he continued, shaking Ray's hand with one of his, while reaching for one of the mugs by the coffeemaker.
"Um... pleased to meet you," Ray said, wondering if this was another of his colleagues. "I'm Ray... Kowalski." Even if he hadn't felt the pull toward other men since Fraser's departure, he wasn't dead. This guy was damned fine looking.
Oh wait. Daniel...
"You're Jack's newest addition, right?" Daniel asked, sipping his coffee with a look of pure bliss on his face.
Ray nodded. "You're... eh..."
Daniel grinned at him and shook his head. "I'm not an employee, just a friend of the management."
Ray couldn't help the snort from escaping. "Sorry." Probably didn't help if he insulted the boss's boyfriend.
A chuckle escaped Daniel. "Ah, I see Jack mentioned me. Come on, you can tell me what he's told you. I swear, his tall tales get wilder every time."
"Nah, he just muttered your name at one point and since I know he's in a relationship, I figured you were it."
Daniel smiled softly. "Yeah. I occasionally swing by to say 'hi', especially if I've been in court. I seem to need a boost after some of the cases I'm called in as a consultant for." A shadow passed over the handsome face and the blue eyes lost a little of their sparkling light.
"Bad?" Ray asked as they sat down on the chairs by the window. He wondered exactly what Daniel did for a living. Lawyer?
"I'm occasionally called in as a specialist," Daniel said, as if answering the unspoken question. "I have a PhD in psychology, I normally work with kids and teens, especially concerning sexuality, but the state draws on me for a variety of case types."
"Lots of bad shit," Ray said softly, remembering some of the stuff he'd seen during his cop-years.
Daniel sighed. "Yeah. You sound like you know it?"
Ray nodded. "Yeah. Used to be a cop... in Chicago."
"I don't have to tell you how horrible people can be, then," Daniel said, sitting back in the chair, nursing his coffee.
"No... I've seen some of the bad stuff as well," Ray admitted.
"And bad stuff sometimes happens to good people," Daniel replied. They sat in silence for a moment and Ray wondered if there might be something in the air of the Big Apple. He couldn't believe how much he felt at ease around these people. He wasn't used to letting down his guard this fast.
The door to the office opened again and O'Neill stepped back in. The smile on his face widened when he saw the newcomer and made his way over to the chairs. "Daniel..."
"Hey," Daniel said with a soft smile, accepting the quick kiss O'Neill gave him.
"I see you've met," O'Neill said, squeezing Daniel's shoulder, turning to Ray. "Do I have to make formal introductions?" he asked with a grin.
"Nah," Daniel answered, gesturing to Ray. "We were just making small talk. I came looking for you and found someone who doesn't mind having a heart to heart."
"Are you calling me repressed?" O'Neill asked with mock-horror. Ray hid a smile behind his coffee cup. If he hadn't know they were together, he'd know it now. They seemed to almost... spark in each other's company.
"If the shoe fits..." Daniel replied with a teasing grin.
"See?" O'Neill asked as he gave Ray a helpless look. "I get no respect."
"And you love it," Daniel said with a snort. With a soft sigh Daniel leaned sideways against his lover who'd sat down on the armrest of the chair. "This is exactly what I needed," he admitted.
O'Neill frowned. "Bad day in court?"
Daniel nodded. "I'm gonna tell you tonight. I just needed a breather and to drop off the files you lent me."
O'Neill nodded and stood. "You in a hurry?" he asked.
"I've got time," Daniel said with a small smile.
Ray got the feeling now would be a good time to leave. Thankfully there was a knock at the door, and Ferretti entered the room. "Hey, Doc," he greeted Daniel with a wide grin.
Daniel smiled back and nodded. "Lou."
"Come on, Kowalski. Let's see if you're as good as your file says," Ferretti challenged Ray good-naturedly.
Ray grinned. "You sure you can handle that?" he asked as he stood and nodded his goodbye to O'Neill and Daniel.
"Oooh, cocky," Ferretti said with a smirk. "I think I'm gonna like ya." With that he gestured for Ray to follow him.
Feeling a little like Alice down the rabbit hole, Ray smiled and followed. He'd be sorely disappointed if this job didn't work out. The people he'd met so far were open and friendly and Ray got the feeling that was exactly what he needed. Pulling his new glasses from his inner pocket, Ray grinned and let Ferretti lead him to the elevator.
It was surprisingly easy to get into a new routine. It was even easier to make friends with the people he was working with... and for. In the beginning Ray often sat down at night, wondering when the floor would tilt and his new life shatter.
It just didn't happen. Most of his assignments he took care of on his own, though occasionally he enjoyed being teamed up with various co-workers. A few of them he didn't click with, but most he got along with really well.
Even O'Neill ended up being more and more 'Jack' than 'Boss' and Ray figured he was probably the easiest boss he'd ever had. Not that Welsh was bad, but there were things you didn't say to or discuss with your Lieutenant. Not that Ray often needed anything like that, but he got the easy vibes from Jack.
The only thing that unsettled him was basically Daniel. Well, the guy was great, they were friends, hung out together sometimes, had lunch when Jack was elsewhere busy and Daniel wanted company.
No, the thing that was unsettling was the fact that Daniel was a shrink. Ray couldn't actually forget it. The thought continuously lurked below the surface and Ray found himself guarding words more than he should.
However, Ray's uneasiness around the man was a little too obvious at times. It meant that Daniel made an *effort* to drag him out of his shell. Slowly Ray realized that might not be a terrible thing after all. It sure beat being alone with his thoughts.
"Jack, we're going out for lunch," Daniel said as he leaned against the open door to Jack's office, Ray waiting behind him.
Jack, who was expecting a new recruit for an interview leaned back in his chair and eyed the two of them. Ray figured if he'd been in Jack's place, he might not have let an employee take his boyfriend out to eat.
"Should I be jealous?" Jack asked, trying to look serious.
Daniel seemed to give that some thought for a moment, then shrugged. "Nah, you don't like Indian anyway."
Jack snorted and waved them out. "Go on, get out of here, kids. Have fun. Kowalski, I want him back in an hour."
Ray grinned and mock-saluted the man. "Of course, Boss. Anything you say, Boss."
"Don't overdo it," Daniel whispered more than loud enough for everyone to hear. "It'll go to his head."
Ray raised an eyebrow, not even going to turn it into a dirty joke. The twinkle in Daniel's eyes told him he didn't have to.
They didn't have to go far to get to the small Indian restaurant Daniel had his heart set on. The place was nice and not too over-decorated, and the smells made Ray's stomach gurgle in anticipation.
Daniel slipped down by a table and opened the menu and Ray took the seat across from him. "What's good?" Ray asked. He wasn't normally adventurous enough to go to a place like this, but he figured if Daniel said it was good, it *was* good.
"Most of it, but I think you'd enjoy the korma," Daniel said. They placed their orders and Daniel leaned back in his seat, watching Ray with an amused smile on his face.
"What?" Ray asked, feeling the uneasiness intruding again.
"You're a hard man to get to know," Daniel said, taking a drink of his water. "Whenever I think I've got you pegged, you pull back."
Ray rubbed the back of his neck, staring down into his own glass. "I... I'm sorry. It's just..."
"What is it that you find so unsettling?" Daniel asked.
"You..." Ray admitted. "Or rather, that you're a shrink."
"Ah, of course," Daniel said with a nod. Ray figured it wasn't the first time he'd run into that problem. "Is there anything I can say that'll make you feel more at ease?"
"Probably not," Ray admitted with a small grin. "It's just... if I'm honest with myself, I could probably benefit from talking to a shrink, but I've had to do that before through the police work."
"And you didn't like it," Daniel finished for him.
Ray shook his head. "No, it was never a pleasant thing to go through. For the longest time, and this might sound weird, I felt normal just from being around my ...partner. I mean, he was so weird that everything else, including my pathetic life, seemed sane."
Daniel nodded. "Sounds logical... in a roundabout way."
Ray grinned. "Yeah, that's about it."
"You still talk to him?" Daniel asked, turning his head briefly to thank their waiter for the food he was bringing.
Ray sighed. "No... he's back in Canada."
Daniel eyed him thoughtfully. "You do know, that if you need it, you can come talk to me, right?"
"Because it's your job," Ray snorted, pushing his food around on the plate, letting the rice soak the sweet-smelling sauce.
"No, you moron, because I'm your friend."
Ray felt heat color his cheeks. "I know... I'm sorry," he said, finally looking Daniel in the eyes. What he did find was a friend who seemed a little worried about him. He hadn't really experienced that in a long time.
"I don't know if I can talk about it. I mean... we both screwed up and it ended... badly. I think it's too late to salvage the bridges. They're long gone, burned down." Ray took a bite of the food, all of the sudden not feeling terribly hungry.
"Have you tried?"
"I tried, back when it happened. I'm afraid he wasn't ...receptive."
Daniel winced. "So you never got it off your chest."
Ray shrugged. "No, not really."
"You know, Ray. You don't have to tell me, but if you want the name of a good therapist, let me know. Until then... try writing it down. All the things you'd say to him if you met him again. Don't hold back. It might help you to at least start working through your problem." Daniel took a bit of his own food, humming happily.
"You really think that could work?" Ray asked hesitantly.
"I'm not saying it'll be easy for you, but if you need it, you can talk to me."
"And you're sure it's not because you're a shrink or feeling sorry for me?" Ray asked, seriously considering what Daniel was suggesting. Absolution of some kind.
"Ray, if that was the case, you'd be paying my price with the company discount that's in your contract. And yes, before you ask, that deduction is because I get to fuck Jack on a regular basis." The twinkle in Daniel's blue eyes was downright evil.
Ray nearly choked on the sip of water he'd just taken. He wasn't sure if he should be scandalized or hoot with laughter.
Daniel turned serious again. "Ray... You're a friend. Friends care. If it makes you feel better, then there's probably something you can do for me in return."
"Like what? Only thing I'm good at is shooting and dancing," Ray said with a snort.
Daniel grinned. "So, teach me how to dance."
Ray shook his head. "Are you insane?"
Daniel smirked, "I don't think so, though Jack has on occasion asked me the same."
"And what do you think Jack would say if I started teaching you to ballroom dancing?" Ray asked with a grin. Disarming. These people were downright disarming.
"Um... let me think... 'Thank you?' Jack claims I have two left feet," Daniel admitted with a wink.
This time Ray laughed. "That's a deal, Doc. I'll think about the therapy thing and until then, you can draw on me for tutoring your ballroom dancing." At Daniel's wide grin, Ray chuckled and took a good bite of the food on his plate, his hunger returning as the weight on his shoulders lightened a little.
For a while all was good for Ray, his job keeping him busy, too busy to dwell on things that could have been different. Then he got a letter from Frannie, of all people, just a short notice, but it pretty much kicked the bottom out of his world.
The 27th had been notified that Fraser had been injured in the line of duty. Severely. Frannie had figured he wanted to know, and had gotten his address from Welsh.
Ray sat, one night, in front of the TV, eyes unseeing. He'd made a few inquiries with the RCMP, who hadn't been too forthcoming. Considering that Ray didn't want anyone to know he was looking in on Fraser, least of all Fraser himself, it wasn't too surprising. Still, through contacts he'd finally found out that Fraser was stable.
He was alive. But it had been a close call. That was all Ray had been able to find out. It was enough. Ray's stomach was in knots, had been ever since he'd heard about Fraser's injury.
He'd thought he was over it. That he had left the regret behind him. That obviously wasn't the case.
Ray stared at the notebook in front of him on the coffee table. The pen next to it reflected the shifting light from the muted TV. 'Write it down. All the things you'd say to him if he was here now.'
Daniel's suggestion echoed through his thoughts and Ray nodded, slowly dragging the notebook closer, uncapping the pen and opening the book. Putting the tip of the pen on the paper, he began writing.
Dear B. Fraser
Where the fuck did you go? Why the fuck did you go? You up and left me with the whole mess. I paid for your outburst, I had to pick up the pieces when youran left for the icy North. Guess it fits with your fucking personality. If Thatcher was the Ice Queen, she's nothing compared to you.
I'm worried out of my mind. Don't get me wrong, I'm still angry and hurt, but it's also made me realize that I need to get this off my chest and a friend suggested writing it down the way I'd say it to you. So here goes:
You hurt me! Not physically, oh no. See I wasn't traumatized by what we did. I'm not sure I got as high a dosage of whatever shit they pumped us full of, because I remember a lot from that night... or at least, a lot of it came back later.
No, you had to accuse me of taking advantage of you, but I've got one thing to say to that: You weren't the one having trouble sitting down the next day!Nor were you the one having to deal with the fallout after your little outburst at the PD.
Ray sat back on the couch and wiped a hand over his eyes. He was definitely on a roll, but it hurt to drag it all back out again. Even if Fraser would never see this, Ray didn't want to write down what had happened at the precinct. After Fraser had said, loud enough for most to hear, that he wasn't wired that way and that he believed Ray had taken advantage of him, sexually... The shit had definitely hit the fan.
Crossing his arms over the notebook, Ray rested his forehead against them. It was as if his dam was bursting now, all the bad shit, all the heavy memories breaking out. The memories of the whispered conversations that ceased when he walked into the room, only increasing his paranoia.
Then Vecchio had returned from Florida, looking for Fraser and it hadn't taken long before the guy had dug out the rumors and had confronted Ray with it. Well, he'd blown up, yelling at Ray right in the middle of the precinct. He didn't want to remember the things that Vecchio had said to him... had called him. That had pretty much been the reason why Welsh had pulled him aside and told him to take a few days leave. The leave had turned to more leave... and eventually ended with the job offer.
Sometimes good things did come from bad shit.
Ray sniffled a little, wiped his nose on his sleeve and sat back with the notebook resting on his thigh.
You are so fucking stubborn, hard headed... You never gave us a chance. You were a coward, a hypocrite. It was always your MO to talk your way out of trouble, but the moment it was personal, you turned tail and ran.
I don't regret the sex, Fraser... I regret what it did to us, how you reacted. I had a crush on you, but never intended for you to know. But for one night, I had what I'd only fantasized about. Although I'd have preferred to be sober, clean, whatever. Why did I never tell you? Because what happened was what I wanted to avoid. If I couldn't have the whole enchilada, at least I could have our friendship... and I could love you in my own way... as a friend. I'd wish you'd stayed so we could have hashed it out, cleared the air.
I never asked to have those feelings for you. And for some stupid reason, I can't even go out with other people. Every time someone asks, I find a reason to say 'no'. Not because I'm not lonely, God knows I could use the company... But there's always something... wrong. Men, women, it doesn't matter... they aren't...
They aren't ...you.
Ray squeezed his eyes shut, wiping infectively at the wet stains in the notebook. Fucking head-case that was what he was. Ray slammed the notebook shut and took it to his bedroom, burying it in the bottom drawer with all the other memories.
Daniel was surprisingly understanding when Ray called him at 11PM.
There was very little light when Ray woke up. He blinked, disoriented, wondering where his glasses were. He'd gotten so used to wearing them that his distorted eyesight was annoying these days. Ah, on the coffee table in front of him. Only, it wasn't his coffee table, wasn't his couch he was laying on either. Putting the glasses on he tried to focus on the low murmur of voices.
Upstairs. He was upstairs in Jack's apartment. Ray sighed as he remembered calling Daniel, asking to talk. Thankfully Daniel had been in the apartment he and Jack sometimes used, a few floors further up. Jack hadn't been home, so they'd talked until the early hours of the morning.
Judging from the little light outside the windows, he hadn't slept all that long. The voices were coming from the kitchen, where Ray could make out the two men standing close together. Ray felt his cheeks flush as he watched Jack draw Daniel closer to kiss him, long and slow.
After his heart to heart with Daniel earlier, he felt raw. All those damned memories and emotions were so close to the surface now. Ray closed his eyes, and sleep came quickly. He was so tired, so drained that keeping his eyes open would have been beyond impossible.
Next time he opened his eyes, his glasses were back on the coffee table and Jack was sitting in a chair next to the couch. He looked completely at ease, as if it was an everyday occurrence to have an employee sacked out on his couch. Slim glasses perched on his nose as he read a book, bare feet pulled up under him. Wearing a pair of well-washed sweat pants and a 'Chicago Bulls' t-shirt he looked even more approachable than normally.
"Sorry, Boss," Ray tried to say, his voice breaking a little, still rough with sleep and from talking most of the night.
"Hey, no problem. I figured it was bad when I came home to find you an my couch and a worried Daniel next to you," Jack said lightly, brown eyes soft with concern.
"Just me fucking up my life again," Ray admitted. "Did Daniel tell you anything?"
"He's a shrink, he won't break your confidence," Jack said with a shrug. "So if you want me to know, you'll have to tell me."
Ray closed his eyes for a moment, then nodded and sat up. Taking a deep breath, he opened his eyes again. "Long story short, the last case I had with my partner, the Mountie, was completely screwed up."
It wasn't any easier to recount now, but Ray figured he owed Jack at least a little explanation. "We ended up being pumped full of some drug, truth serum, that completely screwed up our inhibitions. We were dumped by the bad guys, somehow we got home to my place and ...we ended up in bed together."
Jack nodded and made a 'go-on' noise.
"No inhibitions, Boss. None whatsoever," Ray whispered tiredly. "We had sex and when the drug wore off, Fraser blamed me for taking advantage of him. He ended up returning to Canada shortly after pretty much outing me at the PD. Not on purpose of course, but the tempers were running high. For a long time I thought I was over it, or at least that I'd put it behind me."
"You haven't," Jack finished for him with a wince.
Ray shook his head. "No... last night I was trying to work through my hurt, and it got too much -- I'm one fucked up puppy," Ray said with a sigh.
"So your partner turned out to be a homophobe?" Jack asked, putting the book aside. "Keep talking, Kowalski, I'm gonna make us some coffee."
Ray smiled gratefully. "No... I don't think he was. I've seen him handle cases... we had a case a couple of years back, gay bashing. Frase was anything but phobic. He even told me about something that happened at Depot."
At Jack's questioning glance, Ray followed him into the kitchen. "It's sorta the RCMP equivalent of our Academy. There was a group who got drunk and a couple of the boys ended up having sex. Scandal material and all, but the RCMP put a lid on it -- Still rumors and bad blood..."
Jack nodded as he started the coffeemaker. "Yeah, thank you. I was in the Air Force. Rumors aren't easy to kill."
Ray leaned back against the door. "I know Fraser hated the way it was handled. It's why I figured he'd have tried to clear out what happened between us. I swear to God, Jack. Fraser is one of the most tolerant people I've ever met."
"Are you coming to terms with it?" Jack asked, blunt as always.
Ray shrugged uneasily. "I... I'll get there."
"Look, take my advice here. Let Daniel in. It'll be good for you." Jack pulled to mugs down from the cupboard.
"Yeah, I figured as much. It's been more than six months since it happened and I've never talked to anyone about it. It blew up in my face last night," Ray admitted sheepishly.
"Hey, shit happens, kid," Jack said tiredly as he poured coffee into their mugs and handed one off to Ray, who wished he could get some chocolate or at least sugar. Still, it was good coffee, just what he needed.
"No kidding," Ray whispered. "Sorry I'm such a basket case."
"Hey, I never said I wanted sane employees," Jack scolded good naturedly. "You're a good guy, you're an effective employee and a good friend."
Ray coughed, feeling his face heat.
"Don't let it get to your head," Jack warned with a quirky grin.
"Thanks, Jack," he said softly. "I seem to be saying that a lot to you."
"You're an asset to the company, Kowalski. A pain in the ass at times, but a real asset."
Ray laughed and for the first time in a long time he figured things were heading in the right direction.
Continues in pt 2
PAIRINGS: Fraser/Kowalski, Jack/Daniel
CATEGORY: Angst, drama
RATING: PG13
NOTES: Don't ask me where the story came from. I don't know, and I don't want to either *g*. This is, for the DS part, Post-CotW and for SG it's an AU.
NOTES II: Supportive cast -- This is not your ordinary Jack and Daniel (Stargate), but an AU version that I created more than two years ago. I was torn between using original characters or these two, but the muses are pushy and move in a mysterious ways *g* -- do you have to read the AU? No. That's not necessary. If you want to, it's called Protected
Unlike this story, there's more sex in Protected than you can shake a stick at ^_~
THANKS TO: Nicci and Brynn for the beta -- and the heartsisters for the read-through
Thank you to the lovely, talented
nicci_mac, who donated both this fab cover and the manip at the end of the storyThe heady experience of being pinned down, possessed, nearly drove him out of his mind. The growl in his ear and the thrusts into his body, pushed him to the edge and the complete white-out of his climax painted the world colorless.
Ray woke up with a gasp. Blinking myopically at the bedside clock, he sighed and fell back on the bed. 6AM... Rubbing his eyes, he decided it was way to fucking early to get out of bed.
Job interview. The thought hit him. Oh, how he'd prefer to simply stay where he was with the blankets pulled over his head. Unfortunately he couldn't. He owed Welsh to give this a go.
'You're ripe for the nut house,' Ray told himself. 'You should see this as a chance to make a fresh start.' He needed it, needed the leg up from the downward spiral he'd gotten himself caught in. To think he'd had it all. Friends, a fabulous partner... a job he could finally admit to enjoy. Then, through one stupid case, it had all gone to hell.
"I can't even hate you," Ray said to the ghosts of memories in the room. The loss hit him again and Ray knew he might as well get up and go the gym. If he stayed in his bed, he'd just be trapped by his depressing thoughts.
"I've got this friend..." Welsh said, giving Ray a speculative look.
"Yeah?" Ray said, trying not to sound as dead on his feet as he was.
"Yeah, old friend of the family. He's looking for a good, hardworking guy with his head on right."
"Oh? Lieu... I don't..." Ray shook his head. He didn't want anyone trying to steer him right. It wasn't worth it.
"Hey, talk to the man. He's got a company specializing in security. He's a good guy."
As he showered after three hours in the gym, Ray went over what he'd need to remember for the interview. Stick to the truth, don't oversell yourself and don't do the opposite either. Welsh had said that the guy was ex-military and sharp.
'Get a grip, Kowalski.' He needed this, needed something apart from his fucked up life to concentrate on. Well, what was left of it anyway. No partner, no job to speak of, and the return of his ex-wife and her new husband... no, coupled with his parents returning to Arizona, Ray really didn't like the air in Chicago too much at the moment. Anything would be better than sitting around feeling sorry for himself.
"Kowalski?"
Ray looked up to find a tall man staring intently at him. The guy was at least six feet tall and fairly well-built under those casual threads. Dark-grey slacks, a white t-shirt and a dark-grey suit jacket. Not a bad look for him. The graying hair said something about his age, but the shine to the brown eyes and the quirky smile to the thin lips did a lot to counter those years.
"Yeah?" Ray stood up from the chair he'd been sitting on for the past ten minutes, waiting for his interview.
"O'Neill," the guy said, holding out a hand for a quick handshake. Firm handshake -- perfectly balanced between 'I'm an alpha' and 'I'm not a threat to you'. "You have lunch yet?"
Ray blinked a couple of times, but his stomach was faster than he was, growling at the idea of food. He hadn't been feeling like eating earlier, so the only thing he'd downed, was a couple of cups of coffee.
O'Neill laughed warmly. "I guess that says it all. There's a little diner around the corner. You game?"
Ray rubbed a hand over his hair, trying to catch up. "I, eh... sure."
"Great, I just got here from the airport and haven't eaten since this morning." O'Neill gestured toward the door out. "Daniel would kill me if he found out," O'Neill muttered as he herded Ray out the door.
Ray frowned but figured he might as well go with the flow.
Before he knew it, he was seated across the table from the man who might, or might not, be his future employer. Ray wasn't sure what to think, but he kind of liked the guy's straight-forward attitude.
"So, Welsh tell you what I'm looking for?" O'Neill asked after he'd ordered steak and baked potatoes.
Ray had ordered a sandwich. He was way too wired to eat a full meal. Shaking his head, he sat back on the chair. "Nope, the Lieutenant just said you had a security company."
O'Neill nodded. "Yeah, I originally ran it from the office we just left, but a couple of years ago I ended up with an SO, so now I live in New York and run a second office from there. We mostly do security work, body guards, security consulting for both companies and private clients."
"I'm still not sure I know what you want with me," Ray admitted.
O'Neill grinned and waved his hand back and forth. "I mostly hire people with either law-enforcement backgrounds, or military. I've rarely hired anyone without either knowing them or knowing someone who did. I hear you're a good cop, good intuition, if a little on the wild side." The last was added with an amused lift of a scarred eyebrow.
Ray shrugged. "That's a nice way of putting it," he muttered.
"You're not suicidal, are you?" O'Neill asked frankly.
Ray pursed his lips. "No." 'Not yet,' he added in thought.
"You know your way around a gun, you know how to work a case. I need that. We've been having the occasional request for finding 'lost' people, more detective work than actual security. I don't want to say no to clients with problems. But most of my employees are ex-soldiers of some kind, and although they're all intelligent people, we need something extra."
Ray nodded slowly. "Welsh tell you I'm a basket case?" he asked, a little shocked that it had slipped out.
Smiling, O'Neill cocked his head to the side. "He said a great many things about you, Kowalski."
"He tell you I went North, came home, screwed up my life and that he's had to drag me out of a few stupid situations since then?" Ray wondered why the fuck he felt like being this honest at the moment.
O'Neill eyed him silently for a long time, didn't even break eye contact when the waitress put their plates in front of them. The silence felt oppressive to Ray, who tried not to fidget.
"You're blunt," O'Neill finally said, his expression unreadable. "Welsh said you had a case blow up in your face, you had a 'difference of opinion' with your partner and from there, he's been worried about you."
"Like I said," Ray snorted, eyeing his sandwich with doubt. Suddenly he wasn't all that hungry. "I'm a basket case."
"Well, I must admit I've already got someone in mind for the job here in Chicago," O'Neill admitted softly.
Ray nodded. Wasn't as if he'd stood any kind of chance the moment his sudden burst of honesty had run him over.
"How does New York sound to you, Kowalski?"
Ray blinked rapidly, finally looking up at the man again, wondering what the hell he was talking about.
"You got a problem breaking camp and moving to the Big Apple?" O'Neill's smile was back, at least in his eyes.
Swallowing hard, Ray shrugged. "I haven't got anything left to keep me in Chicago," he admitted.
"Need a nice, clean start?"
"Why are you doing this?" Ray finally asked.
"Because if you're as good as Welsh says ye are, I think I'm willing to take a little risk." O'Neill said. "I need someone like you who can communicate with the local law, so that we won't step on some precinct's toes. I get the feeling you'd rather not do that here in Chicago...?"
Ray shrugged. "Most don't know me anyway, to the rest..."
"You've got a reputation," O'Neill said with a soft smile. "Besides, I hear you're good with a gun."
Ray snorted. "Only when I'm wearing my glasses," he admitted.
"You're gonna have to wear 'em full time," O'Neill warned. "Or get contacts. I want my people tip-top."
"Can't wear contacts," Ray said, wondering what kind of surreal talk this was. It was a damned roller-coaster ride.
O'Neill merely nodded. "Get a new prescription to be on the safe side, when we get to New York."
Ray held up his hands, trying to stop the steam-roller across the table. "Whoa... Are you hiring me?"
"Yeah. Isn't that obvious?" O'Neill's grin turned downright teasing then sobered a little. "That is, if you think you're up to it?"
"I...," Ray cleared his throat. "I don't know what to say," he admitted sheepishly. Nothing he'd thought about before the interview seemed relevant. Leave Chicago? No problem, though... "Well, there is the fact that I'll have to find somewhere to live in New York," he admitted.
"Finish up whatever you need to here. The building we use for offices has quite a few apartments that are leased mainly to employees," O'Neill told him.
"Is this for real?" Ray asked, shaking his head. This was unbelievable. He kept expecting for the other shoe to drop.
"Well, there is one last thing," O'Neill said, finishing off his steak. "How do you feel about gays?"
"Wha'?" What the hell was he supposed to say to that? 'No problem, sir. I'd be a bigot to condemn gays, considering...'
"Just tell me the first thought that comes to mind," O'Neill said intently.
"I don't have any problems with homosexuals," Ray said, keeping his voice steady. Keeping the memories locked down, the flashes of memories at least. A jumble of tattered images, sounds, tastes...
"Good..."
"Mind if I ask why you would ask me such a question?"
O'Neill grinned widely. "Because your future boss is one and you being from a society that isn't exactly known for embracing this 'different lifestyle', I had to ask."
Ray shook his head, feeling a little confused. Well, it explained the comment about the SO and probably the one about 'Daniel' as well. "No... no problem," he said softly.
O'Neill eyed him speculatively, then nodded. "Good, now eat your sandwich -- you can't function on coffee alone."
Ray smiled softly. "I know... you're not the first one to point that out."
"Eat up, kid," O'Neill said as he pushed his plate aside. "I've got some errands to do while I'm in Chicago. I want you to think about my offer, then call me." A business card was pushed across the table. "I meant what I said, I could use a man like you in the fold."
Ray nodded, although, deep down, he already knew his answer.
O'Neill nodded and stood, for a moment resting a warm hand on Ray's shoulder. A light squeeze and he let go, pulling out some bills from his pocket, laying them down on the table.
Ray sat back, alone, in the diner, staring at his sandwich. He'd just been offered a job, a ticket out of Chicago, away from faces and places that did nothing but remind him of how royally he'd screwed up.
Either this was a miracle, or eventually something else would happen to blow down his house of cards, because someone up there had a horrible sense of humor.
A way out... Ray looked at the sandwich again, feeling his stomach finally settle enough for him to eat. He'd take it, he had a feeling... a hunch... that this was exactly what he needed.
Ray sat down on his bed, looking around the room. He'd brought very little with him from his old haunt. A few knick-knacks, a desk. The chili-string light. Ray ran a hand over the quilt covering his bed... his new bed. Maybe this would keep away the dreams. Too many memories were attached to the old one. His hand brushed against the string and feather next to him. Yeah, maybe a new bed could do what the dream catcher hadn't been capable of. Maybe he had worn it out, because for a long time it hadn't caught any of his bad dreams.
Since Fraser had gone back North, really.
Picking up the dream catcher, Ray stood and went to the dresser. Pulling out the bottom drawer, he dropped the thing inside, next to the journals from their quest and the small box of photos. Ray shook his head and closed the drawer again.
Time to concentrate on the present instead of the past. Tomorrow would be his first day in his new job. O'Neill had given him four days from his arrival to get settled. The apartment wasn't bad. Living room, bedroom, roomy bathroom, office/guestroom and a small kitchen. More than he'd had before.
Ray had wondered if he could afford it until he'd seen the contract. Christ. His new salary was a lot better than it'd been as a cop. Not that it mattered all that much. To Ray it was a chance to start over with people who didn't know him, who had no expectations of him beyond him doing his job.
For the first time he had a new life without having to go undercover to get it. It was exhilarating... but it scared him shitless.
"Kowalski."
Ray looked up after signing the form O'Neill had handed him before leaving Ray on his own in the office. O'Neill was leaning casually against the doorjamb.
"Sir?" Ray put the pen down and concentrated on the man.
O'Neill snorted. "It's Jack, O'Neill or 'Boss' as some of the people around here say. I put 'sir' behind me when I left the Air Force."
Ray rubbed the back of his head and smiled tentatively at O'Neill. It was a bit unsettling how the man got around Ray's reserve without even trying. "Sure thing... Boss."
"I've got someone I'd like you to meet. I don't want to send you out on any assignment half-assed. I want you to pair up with one of the guys for a few cases, then we'll see. The work we do is either team-based or loner stuff. You got a problem with one or the other?"
Ray shook his head. "I wouldn't have been a cop for all those years if I'd pulled the Dirty Harry routine too often."
O'Neill grinned and turned a little in the doorway, gesturing at someone behind him. Another man came in, fairly muscular build, though a little shorter than O'Neill. The crew cut was military, but the guy smiled openly at him and put out a hand for Ray to shake.
"Ferretti," he introduced himself. "Lou among friends."
Ray shook the proffered hand. "Ray Kowalski." Ray frowned. "Have we met before?"
Ferretti raised an eyebrow. "Not that I know of. Unless you've been in the AF as well."
Ray shook his head. "Nah, just a slip of memory, I guess. Unless you've ever been on a ghost ship."
Ferretti snorted but shook his head. "Can't say I have." He turned to their boss. "Well, Jack. You got anything for Ray and me to dig into?"
"Oh, do I ever," Jack said with a smirk. "First, you, Ferretti, are going to find Janine, then go up to the archive upstairs and get the necessary papers for the shooting range, and then you're taking our new man downstairs for some shooting practice. I want statistics, gentlemen."
"Will do, sir," Ferretti said with a grin and a half salute. "See ya in a moment, kid." With that he was out the door again.
O'Neill shook his head and went to the table by the window, pouring water and beans into the coffee machine. "I swear to God, that man will drive me crazy some day."
Ray grinned. "Isn't that what friends are for?"
O'Neill turned and gave him a strange look. "I think you're right," he laughed. "Coffee's gonna be ready in a moment, I'm gonna go for a bit. Help yourself to a cup. If I know Lou, he'll be a while before he returns with the forms. He's got an eye on our lovely secretary," O'Neill said, with a roll of the eyes and a fond smile.
"Hey, O'Neill?"
"Yeah?" Stopping at the door, O'Neill turned around.
Ray cleared his throat. "Mind if I ask you something?"
"Sure, go ahead."
"The tone around here seems very..." Ray searched for the right word.
O'Neill grinned as if he knew exactly what Ray was hinting at. And he probably did. "Loose? Nearly insubordinate?"
Ray nodded. He liked it, but he wasn't sure how to act himself. These people seemed to know each other and he didn't want to risk being too familiar this early on.
"You'll find that if you click with people here, you'll be part of a big family. We're a bit dysfunctional at times, but we take care of each other and our own," O'Neill explained with a soft smile. "I hope you'll like it here."
Ray felt his own smile widening. "I think I will, Boss. Thanks. For all of it."
O'Neill smiled and gave him a quick salute before leaving the room.
Ray went over to the window, watching the streets a few floors below. Outside, New York didn't look too different from Chicago. Big city, lots of people... Ray shook himself out of his reverie and went to the coffeemaker, taking one of the mugs next to it, filling it and taking a sip of the dark liquid. Too bad there were no M&Ms. Then again, this was damned good coffee. Ray sighed as the taste hit him. Oh yeah, great coffee.
There was a noise by the door and Ray turned, expecting either Ferretti or O'Neill to have returned. Instead he found a tall good-looking guy in a dark blue suit, who was rubbing his eyes tiredly, obviously steering toward the coffee.
"Oh... I didn't think anyone was in here," the man said, blue eyes focusing on Ray. "I'm Daniel," he continued, shaking Ray's hand with one of his, while reaching for one of the mugs by the coffeemaker.
"Um... pleased to meet you," Ray said, wondering if this was another of his colleagues. "I'm Ray... Kowalski." Even if he hadn't felt the pull toward other men since Fraser's departure, he wasn't dead. This guy was damned fine looking.
Oh wait. Daniel...
"You're Jack's newest addition, right?" Daniel asked, sipping his coffee with a look of pure bliss on his face.
Ray nodded. "You're... eh..."
Daniel grinned at him and shook his head. "I'm not an employee, just a friend of the management."
Ray couldn't help the snort from escaping. "Sorry." Probably didn't help if he insulted the boss's boyfriend.
A chuckle escaped Daniel. "Ah, I see Jack mentioned me. Come on, you can tell me what he's told you. I swear, his tall tales get wilder every time."
"Nah, he just muttered your name at one point and since I know he's in a relationship, I figured you were it."
Daniel smiled softly. "Yeah. I occasionally swing by to say 'hi', especially if I've been in court. I seem to need a boost after some of the cases I'm called in as a consultant for." A shadow passed over the handsome face and the blue eyes lost a little of their sparkling light.
"Bad?" Ray asked as they sat down on the chairs by the window. He wondered exactly what Daniel did for a living. Lawyer?
"I'm occasionally called in as a specialist," Daniel said, as if answering the unspoken question. "I have a PhD in psychology, I normally work with kids and teens, especially concerning sexuality, but the state draws on me for a variety of case types."
"Lots of bad shit," Ray said softly, remembering some of the stuff he'd seen during his cop-years.
Daniel sighed. "Yeah. You sound like you know it?"
Ray nodded. "Yeah. Used to be a cop... in Chicago."
"I don't have to tell you how horrible people can be, then," Daniel said, sitting back in the chair, nursing his coffee.
"No... I've seen some of the bad stuff as well," Ray admitted.
"And bad stuff sometimes happens to good people," Daniel replied. They sat in silence for a moment and Ray wondered if there might be something in the air of the Big Apple. He couldn't believe how much he felt at ease around these people. He wasn't used to letting down his guard this fast.
The door to the office opened again and O'Neill stepped back in. The smile on his face widened when he saw the newcomer and made his way over to the chairs. "Daniel..."
"Hey," Daniel said with a soft smile, accepting the quick kiss O'Neill gave him.
"I see you've met," O'Neill said, squeezing Daniel's shoulder, turning to Ray. "Do I have to make formal introductions?" he asked with a grin.
"Nah," Daniel answered, gesturing to Ray. "We were just making small talk. I came looking for you and found someone who doesn't mind having a heart to heart."
"Are you calling me repressed?" O'Neill asked with mock-horror. Ray hid a smile behind his coffee cup. If he hadn't know they were together, he'd know it now. They seemed to almost... spark in each other's company.
"If the shoe fits..." Daniel replied with a teasing grin.
"See?" O'Neill asked as he gave Ray a helpless look. "I get no respect."
"And you love it," Daniel said with a snort. With a soft sigh Daniel leaned sideways against his lover who'd sat down on the armrest of the chair. "This is exactly what I needed," he admitted.
O'Neill frowned. "Bad day in court?"
Daniel nodded. "I'm gonna tell you tonight. I just needed a breather and to drop off the files you lent me."
O'Neill nodded and stood. "You in a hurry?" he asked.
"I've got time," Daniel said with a small smile.
Ray got the feeling now would be a good time to leave. Thankfully there was a knock at the door, and Ferretti entered the room. "Hey, Doc," he greeted Daniel with a wide grin.
Daniel smiled back and nodded. "Lou."
"Come on, Kowalski. Let's see if you're as good as your file says," Ferretti challenged Ray good-naturedly.
Ray grinned. "You sure you can handle that?" he asked as he stood and nodded his goodbye to O'Neill and Daniel.
"Oooh, cocky," Ferretti said with a smirk. "I think I'm gonna like ya." With that he gestured for Ray to follow him.
Feeling a little like Alice down the rabbit hole, Ray smiled and followed. He'd be sorely disappointed if this job didn't work out. The people he'd met so far were open and friendly and Ray got the feeling that was exactly what he needed. Pulling his new glasses from his inner pocket, Ray grinned and let Ferretti lead him to the elevator.
It was surprisingly easy to get into a new routine. It was even easier to make friends with the people he was working with... and for. In the beginning Ray often sat down at night, wondering when the floor would tilt and his new life shatter.
It just didn't happen. Most of his assignments he took care of on his own, though occasionally he enjoyed being teamed up with various co-workers. A few of them he didn't click with, but most he got along with really well.
Even O'Neill ended up being more and more 'Jack' than 'Boss' and Ray figured he was probably the easiest boss he'd ever had. Not that Welsh was bad, but there were things you didn't say to or discuss with your Lieutenant. Not that Ray often needed anything like that, but he got the easy vibes from Jack.
The only thing that unsettled him was basically Daniel. Well, the guy was great, they were friends, hung out together sometimes, had lunch when Jack was elsewhere busy and Daniel wanted company.
No, the thing that was unsettling was the fact that Daniel was a shrink. Ray couldn't actually forget it. The thought continuously lurked below the surface and Ray found himself guarding words more than he should.
However, Ray's uneasiness around the man was a little too obvious at times. It meant that Daniel made an *effort* to drag him out of his shell. Slowly Ray realized that might not be a terrible thing after all. It sure beat being alone with his thoughts.
"Jack, we're going out for lunch," Daniel said as he leaned against the open door to Jack's office, Ray waiting behind him.
Jack, who was expecting a new recruit for an interview leaned back in his chair and eyed the two of them. Ray figured if he'd been in Jack's place, he might not have let an employee take his boyfriend out to eat.
"Should I be jealous?" Jack asked, trying to look serious.
Daniel seemed to give that some thought for a moment, then shrugged. "Nah, you don't like Indian anyway."
Jack snorted and waved them out. "Go on, get out of here, kids. Have fun. Kowalski, I want him back in an hour."
Ray grinned and mock-saluted the man. "Of course, Boss. Anything you say, Boss."
"Don't overdo it," Daniel whispered more than loud enough for everyone to hear. "It'll go to his head."
Ray raised an eyebrow, not even going to turn it into a dirty joke. The twinkle in Daniel's eyes told him he didn't have to.
They didn't have to go far to get to the small Indian restaurant Daniel had his heart set on. The place was nice and not too over-decorated, and the smells made Ray's stomach gurgle in anticipation.
Daniel slipped down by a table and opened the menu and Ray took the seat across from him. "What's good?" Ray asked. He wasn't normally adventurous enough to go to a place like this, but he figured if Daniel said it was good, it *was* good.
"Most of it, but I think you'd enjoy the korma," Daniel said. They placed their orders and Daniel leaned back in his seat, watching Ray with an amused smile on his face.
"What?" Ray asked, feeling the uneasiness intruding again.
"You're a hard man to get to know," Daniel said, taking a drink of his water. "Whenever I think I've got you pegged, you pull back."
Ray rubbed the back of his neck, staring down into his own glass. "I... I'm sorry. It's just..."
"What is it that you find so unsettling?" Daniel asked.
"You..." Ray admitted. "Or rather, that you're a shrink."
"Ah, of course," Daniel said with a nod. Ray figured it wasn't the first time he'd run into that problem. "Is there anything I can say that'll make you feel more at ease?"
"Probably not," Ray admitted with a small grin. "It's just... if I'm honest with myself, I could probably benefit from talking to a shrink, but I've had to do that before through the police work."
"And you didn't like it," Daniel finished for him.
Ray shook his head. "No, it was never a pleasant thing to go through. For the longest time, and this might sound weird, I felt normal just from being around my ...partner. I mean, he was so weird that everything else, including my pathetic life, seemed sane."
Daniel nodded. "Sounds logical... in a roundabout way."
Ray grinned. "Yeah, that's about it."
"You still talk to him?" Daniel asked, turning his head briefly to thank their waiter for the food he was bringing.
Ray sighed. "No... he's back in Canada."
Daniel eyed him thoughtfully. "You do know, that if you need it, you can come talk to me, right?"
"Because it's your job," Ray snorted, pushing his food around on the plate, letting the rice soak the sweet-smelling sauce.
"No, you moron, because I'm your friend."
Ray felt heat color his cheeks. "I know... I'm sorry," he said, finally looking Daniel in the eyes. What he did find was a friend who seemed a little worried about him. He hadn't really experienced that in a long time.
"I don't know if I can talk about it. I mean... we both screwed up and it ended... badly. I think it's too late to salvage the bridges. They're long gone, burned down." Ray took a bite of the food, all of the sudden not feeling terribly hungry.
"Have you tried?"
"I tried, back when it happened. I'm afraid he wasn't ...receptive."
Daniel winced. "So you never got it off your chest."
Ray shrugged. "No, not really."
"You know, Ray. You don't have to tell me, but if you want the name of a good therapist, let me know. Until then... try writing it down. All the things you'd say to him if you met him again. Don't hold back. It might help you to at least start working through your problem." Daniel took a bit of his own food, humming happily.
"You really think that could work?" Ray asked hesitantly.
"I'm not saying it'll be easy for you, but if you need it, you can talk to me."
"And you're sure it's not because you're a shrink or feeling sorry for me?" Ray asked, seriously considering what Daniel was suggesting. Absolution of some kind.
"Ray, if that was the case, you'd be paying my price with the company discount that's in your contract. And yes, before you ask, that deduction is because I get to fuck Jack on a regular basis." The twinkle in Daniel's blue eyes was downright evil.
Ray nearly choked on the sip of water he'd just taken. He wasn't sure if he should be scandalized or hoot with laughter.
Daniel turned serious again. "Ray... You're a friend. Friends care. If it makes you feel better, then there's probably something you can do for me in return."
"Like what? Only thing I'm good at is shooting and dancing," Ray said with a snort.
Daniel grinned. "So, teach me how to dance."
Ray shook his head. "Are you insane?"
Daniel smirked, "I don't think so, though Jack has on occasion asked me the same."
"And what do you think Jack would say if I started teaching you to ballroom dancing?" Ray asked with a grin. Disarming. These people were downright disarming.
"Um... let me think... 'Thank you?' Jack claims I have two left feet," Daniel admitted with a wink.
This time Ray laughed. "That's a deal, Doc. I'll think about the therapy thing and until then, you can draw on me for tutoring your ballroom dancing." At Daniel's wide grin, Ray chuckled and took a good bite of the food on his plate, his hunger returning as the weight on his shoulders lightened a little.
For a while all was good for Ray, his job keeping him busy, too busy to dwell on things that could have been different. Then he got a letter from Frannie, of all people, just a short notice, but it pretty much kicked the bottom out of his world.
The 27th had been notified that Fraser had been injured in the line of duty. Severely. Frannie had figured he wanted to know, and had gotten his address from Welsh.
Ray sat, one night, in front of the TV, eyes unseeing. He'd made a few inquiries with the RCMP, who hadn't been too forthcoming. Considering that Ray didn't want anyone to know he was looking in on Fraser, least of all Fraser himself, it wasn't too surprising. Still, through contacts he'd finally found out that Fraser was stable.
He was alive. But it had been a close call. That was all Ray had been able to find out. It was enough. Ray's stomach was in knots, had been ever since he'd heard about Fraser's injury.
He'd thought he was over it. That he had left the regret behind him. That obviously wasn't the case.
Ray stared at the notebook in front of him on the coffee table. The pen next to it reflected the shifting light from the muted TV. 'Write it down. All the things you'd say to him if he was here now.'
Daniel's suggestion echoed through his thoughts and Ray nodded, slowly dragging the notebook closer, uncapping the pen and opening the book. Putting the tip of the pen on the paper, he began writing.
Where the fuck did you go? Why the fuck did you go? You up and left me with the whole mess. I paid for your outburst, I had to pick up the pieces when you
I'm worried out of my mind. Don't get me wrong, I'm still angry and hurt, but it's also made me realize that I need to get this off my chest and a friend suggested writing it down the way I'd say it to you. So here goes:
You hurt me! Not physically, oh no. See I wasn't traumatized by what we did. I'm not sure I got as high a dosage of whatever shit they pumped us full of, because I remember a lot from that night... or at least, a lot of it came back later.
No, you had to accuse me of taking advantage of you, but I've got one thing to say to that: You weren't the one having trouble sitting down the next day!
Ray sat back on the couch and wiped a hand over his eyes. He was definitely on a roll, but it hurt to drag it all back out again. Even if Fraser would never see this, Ray didn't want to write down what had happened at the precinct. After Fraser had said, loud enough for most to hear, that he wasn't wired that way and that he believed Ray had taken advantage of him, sexually... The shit had definitely hit the fan.
Crossing his arms over the notebook, Ray rested his forehead against them. It was as if his dam was bursting now, all the bad shit, all the heavy memories breaking out. The memories of the whispered conversations that ceased when he walked into the room, only increasing his paranoia.
Then Vecchio had returned from Florida, looking for Fraser and it hadn't taken long before the guy had dug out the rumors and had confronted Ray with it. Well, he'd blown up, yelling at Ray right in the middle of the precinct. He didn't want to remember the things that Vecchio had said to him... had called him. That had pretty much been the reason why Welsh had pulled him aside and told him to take a few days leave. The leave had turned to more leave... and eventually ended with the job offer.
Sometimes good things did come from bad shit.
Ray sniffled a little, wiped his nose on his sleeve and sat back with the notebook resting on his thigh.
You are so fucking stubborn, hard headed... You never gave us a chance. You were a coward, a hypocrite. It was always your MO to talk your way out of trouble, but the moment it was personal, you turned tail and ran.
I don't regret the sex, Fraser... I regret what it did to us, how you reacted. I had a crush on you, but never intended for you to know. But for one night, I had what I'd only fantasized about. Although I'd have preferred to be sober, clean, whatever. Why did I never tell you? Because what happened was what I wanted to avoid. If I couldn't have the whole enchilada, at least I could have our friendship... and I could love you in my own way... as a friend. I'd wish you'd stayed so we could have hashed it out, cleared the air.
I never asked to have those feelings for you. And for some stupid reason, I can't even go out with other people. Every time someone asks, I find a reason to say 'no'. Not because I'm not lonely, God knows I could use the company... But there's always something... wrong. Men, women, it doesn't matter... they aren't...
They aren't ...you.
Ray squeezed his eyes shut, wiping infectively at the wet stains in the notebook. Fucking head-case that was what he was. Ray slammed the notebook shut and took it to his bedroom, burying it in the bottom drawer with all the other memories.
Daniel was surprisingly understanding when Ray called him at 11PM.
There was very little light when Ray woke up. He blinked, disoriented, wondering where his glasses were. He'd gotten so used to wearing them that his distorted eyesight was annoying these days. Ah, on the coffee table in front of him. Only, it wasn't his coffee table, wasn't his couch he was laying on either. Putting the glasses on he tried to focus on the low murmur of voices.
Upstairs. He was upstairs in Jack's apartment. Ray sighed as he remembered calling Daniel, asking to talk. Thankfully Daniel had been in the apartment he and Jack sometimes used, a few floors further up. Jack hadn't been home, so they'd talked until the early hours of the morning.
Judging from the little light outside the windows, he hadn't slept all that long. The voices were coming from the kitchen, where Ray could make out the two men standing close together. Ray felt his cheeks flush as he watched Jack draw Daniel closer to kiss him, long and slow.
After his heart to heart with Daniel earlier, he felt raw. All those damned memories and emotions were so close to the surface now. Ray closed his eyes, and sleep came quickly. He was so tired, so drained that keeping his eyes open would have been beyond impossible.
Next time he opened his eyes, his glasses were back on the coffee table and Jack was sitting in a chair next to the couch. He looked completely at ease, as if it was an everyday occurrence to have an employee sacked out on his couch. Slim glasses perched on his nose as he read a book, bare feet pulled up under him. Wearing a pair of well-washed sweat pants and a 'Chicago Bulls' t-shirt he looked even more approachable than normally.
"Sorry, Boss," Ray tried to say, his voice breaking a little, still rough with sleep and from talking most of the night.
"Hey, no problem. I figured it was bad when I came home to find you an my couch and a worried Daniel next to you," Jack said lightly, brown eyes soft with concern.
"Just me fucking up my life again," Ray admitted. "Did Daniel tell you anything?"
"He's a shrink, he won't break your confidence," Jack said with a shrug. "So if you want me to know, you'll have to tell me."
Ray closed his eyes for a moment, then nodded and sat up. Taking a deep breath, he opened his eyes again. "Long story short, the last case I had with my partner, the Mountie, was completely screwed up."
It wasn't any easier to recount now, but Ray figured he owed Jack at least a little explanation. "We ended up being pumped full of some drug, truth serum, that completely screwed up our inhibitions. We were dumped by the bad guys, somehow we got home to my place and ...we ended up in bed together."
Jack nodded and made a 'go-on' noise.
"No inhibitions, Boss. None whatsoever," Ray whispered tiredly. "We had sex and when the drug wore off, Fraser blamed me for taking advantage of him. He ended up returning to Canada shortly after pretty much outing me at the PD. Not on purpose of course, but the tempers were running high. For a long time I thought I was over it, or at least that I'd put it behind me."
"You haven't," Jack finished for him with a wince.
Ray shook his head. "No... last night I was trying to work through my hurt, and it got too much -- I'm one fucked up puppy," Ray said with a sigh.
"So your partner turned out to be a homophobe?" Jack asked, putting the book aside. "Keep talking, Kowalski, I'm gonna make us some coffee."
Ray smiled gratefully. "No... I don't think he was. I've seen him handle cases... we had a case a couple of years back, gay bashing. Frase was anything but phobic. He even told me about something that happened at Depot."
At Jack's questioning glance, Ray followed him into the kitchen. "It's sorta the RCMP equivalent of our Academy. There was a group who got drunk and a couple of the boys ended up having sex. Scandal material and all, but the RCMP put a lid on it -- Still rumors and bad blood..."
Jack nodded as he started the coffeemaker. "Yeah, thank you. I was in the Air Force. Rumors aren't easy to kill."
Ray leaned back against the door. "I know Fraser hated the way it was handled. It's why I figured he'd have tried to clear out what happened between us. I swear to God, Jack. Fraser is one of the most tolerant people I've ever met."
"Are you coming to terms with it?" Jack asked, blunt as always.
Ray shrugged uneasily. "I... I'll get there."
"Look, take my advice here. Let Daniel in. It'll be good for you." Jack pulled to mugs down from the cupboard.
"Yeah, I figured as much. It's been more than six months since it happened and I've never talked to anyone about it. It blew up in my face last night," Ray admitted sheepishly.
"Hey, shit happens, kid," Jack said tiredly as he poured coffee into their mugs and handed one off to Ray, who wished he could get some chocolate or at least sugar. Still, it was good coffee, just what he needed.
"No kidding," Ray whispered. "Sorry I'm such a basket case."
"Hey, I never said I wanted sane employees," Jack scolded good naturedly. "You're a good guy, you're an effective employee and a good friend."
Ray coughed, feeling his face heat.
"Don't let it get to your head," Jack warned with a quirky grin.
"Thanks, Jack," he said softly. "I seem to be saying that a lot to you."
"You're an asset to the company, Kowalski. A pain in the ass at times, but a real asset."
Ray laughed and for the first time in a long time he figured things were heading in the right direction.
Continues in pt 2