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New DS fic: Truly, Madly, Deeply -- pt 2
Continued from pt 1
Life was good, work was hard, but Ray wasn't complaining. Most of the time Jack dumped the missing persons cases on him, joking that he was going to add P.I. to Ray's name soon. The caseload slowly grew and Ray figured it was due to their good rep both with clients and the local PD.
Ray wasn't the only one noticing that things ran smoothly with the PD, when Christmas came, Ray found a little extra present from Santa.
"Jack... I can't accept this." 'This' was the check Ray was waving under his boss' nose.
Jack grinned and leaned back in his chair. "Sure ye can, Kowalski. You earned it. We've never had this good a relationship with the PD and don't tell me it's not your fault mainly. I'm just glad it panned out hiring one of theirs."
Ray shook his head in exasperation. He had about as much chance of returning that check as a snowball surviving in hell. "Jack..."
"Raaay," Jack mock-whined. "Take the damned check and see it as an inadequate way for me to thank you for furthering the company's goodwill."
"You been reading Daniel's dictionaries again?" Ray asked dryly, covering the warm feeling in his chest with his usual attitude.
Jack glared at him, but the brown eyes were twinkling with mirth. Lifting a hand, he silently pointed at the door.
"Yes, sir! Right away, sir!" Ray hurried out the door, trying not to laugh too hard.
The Christmas holidays were... grey and bleak. It wasn't that Ray didn't have any invitations to join others. No, his parents had called from Arizona, where they were now living again, asking him to join them and his brother's family for Christmas.
Ray had said no, a little white lie about having to work, had slipped past his lips, but he couldn't really bring himself to feel bad about it. Even if his mother had sounded terribly disappointed. Ray just didn't feel like being dragged into the family feast knowing they all looked a little odd at him because he was still single and family-less.
Things were... okay. Not fabulous, but okay. It had been nearly ten months since he'd broken down and accepted the help of his friends. He still wasn't dating, but his life was more or less in balance. Maybe once, when he felt completely at ease with himself again, he would go out and start seeing people outside work.
Until then, he kept to himself, apart from the times where he was dragged out kicking and screaming. It wasn't too bad, actually. He occasionally spent time with Jack or Daniel or both, and about once a month, Ferretti made sure he couldn't say no to a round of poker.
Actually, Ray hadn't completely lied about having to work. Although it wasn't during the Christmas days, but more New Year's Eve he had a job for. One of those he wasn't too fond off, but Jack had asked him to take it and Ray couldn't say no to the man.
As Ray tied his tie and slung the suit jacket over his shoulder, he gave himself a stern look in the mirror. He hated acting as a bodyguard, which was kind of funny, seeing as it was most of what the company did. Ray had simply taken over the part of the company dealing with the more investigative cases. Still, occasionally, he'd say yes when Jack asked him to take one.
A senator. Senator Williams. Ray scrunched up his face, then sighed. The guy was okay, more than okay actually. Ray had spent about an hour talking security measure with the man a few days earlier. There'd been threats made both by phone and mail and the police were still trying to find whomever was behind it.
The Senator had argued that he did not want to let whomever was doing this, force him to constantly fear for his own life. He had an invitation for the New Year's ball at the British Consulate in New York, and he intended to attend.
"Showtime," Ray whispered, before he turned around, grabbed his keys and left the apartment.
"Mr. Kowalski."
Ray tilted his head toward Senator Williams. "Sir?"
"Lighten up, young man. You look like one of the Men in Black." Williams shot him a short grin.
Ray swallowed a grin. He could have been less fortunate with a client. Williams wasn't too bad. "Well, I am wearing black, sir."
Williams grinned and patted his shoulder. "That you are, that you are."
Ray scanned the room, taking in the lavish, old-fashioned wall panels of the place. Huge paintings, heavy curtains covering the windows. Not that there was much to look at outside. New York had had no white Christmas this year, just freakishly cold weather with a heavy grey sky.
Ray could have sworn he'd smelled snow this morning, but it might just be a faded memory from the quest. Christ, Fraser had always been capable of smelling oncoming snow, sometimes even eerily being capable of predicting how much they'd get and for how long it would last.
Pushing down on his memories, Ray forced himself to concentrate on what was going on around him. Most of the guests were already there, the caterers slipping unobtrusively from table to guest to table, filling glasses and offering little sandwich thingies. Ray had already eaten. He wasn't a guest, wasn't eating at the table. He had an assignment that he would take care of, keeping all of his concentration on anyone suspicious.
Ray adjusted his glasses and rolled his shoulders. It wasn't that he felt above this kind of job, it was just... it often reminded him too much of a stakeout. He preferred moving, never had felt at ease just standing or sitting around.
His attentions swung to the entrance again. More guests were arriving and there was a brief flash of red that had Ray shaking his head. Nah. Just his eyes playing tricks on him. Probably just someone's fancy evening gown or something.
The next happened so fast that Ray reacted on pure instinct. One of the caterers pulled a gun, aiming it at Senator Williams. Ray grabbed the nearest serving tray from a passing caterer and slammed it into the gun, causing the guy to drop it, sending it flying across the floor.
Ray's eyes met the attacker's and the chase was on. A quick check to his left and Ray was assured that Williams was taken care of by the resident head of security, an older man who nodded at Ray, gesturing toward the retreating back of the attacker.
With a rumbled curse, Ray twisted between the guests, running as fast as he could while still keeping his sights set on the caterer's white jacket. Outside the room, in the well-lit hallway, the guy turned left, heading for the deeper parts of the house.
Ray could hear running behind him, knowing that some of the security was following him. Still, they were too far behind for Ray to slack it so he pushed himself harder.
The guy seemed at loss for a moment, then turned right at the next hallway, passing the doors to the bathrooms. His mistake. Something red flashed out of one of the doors and the caterer was tackled, thrown to the floor.
Ray was entirely focused on the attacker, and when the man scrambled to get up, Ray was on him, forcing him back down, holding him until security caught up with him.
"Take care of him," Ray warned. "And did someone call the NYPD?"
"The call is being made as we speak," a young blonde security guard assured him.
"Good, keep an eye on him until they get here, I'm gonna check up on Senator Williams." With that, Ray turned to regard the man who'd helped him and his breath stuck in his throat and Ray could have sworn his heart skipped several beats.
"Frase..." It slipped from his lips in a mere whisper. Then Ray cleared his throat bringing himself back in line. "Corporal." Ray caught himself almost saying constable, but... he remembered Fraser had been promoted shortly after their stint with Muldoon.
Sitting on the floor, blue eyes wide with wonder, Fraser was looking up at him. "I... it's... Sergeant now."
"Congratulations," Ray said automatically. Fraser looked good, if a little tired. Considering that it had been ten or so months since he'd been hurt badly, Ray was surprised that he looked as okay as he did. "Better get up, won't do the RCMP rep any good to have its members crawling around on the floor." Ray was surprised at how steady his voice was.
"I, eh..." Fraser shifted a little, indicating a cane that had skittered across the floor during the fight. The piercing eyes took Ray's breath away.
Ray picked up the cane, and forced himself to deal with the moment. Reaching down, he gave Fraser a hand up. The touch burned his palm and Ray had to fight the urge to let go and wipe his hand in his trouser leg to get rid of the strange tingling feeling that lingered.
Fraser released his hand and accepted the cane Ray offered him. For a moment they watched each other in silence. Ray took a deep breath, but no words were forthcoming. He'd gladly claim that it was because he had resolved his emotional state, but that would just be kidding himself.
In his gut, in his chest, the anger burned surprisingly low, but his hurt was still bright and blinding and as he watched Fraser there, right in front of him, in the flesh, decked out in the red Mountie uniform... he couldn't think of one thing to say that didn't in some way sound like 'why did you leave me? Why are you here? Can't you just let me live my life?'.
"I..." Ray shook his head to clear it. "I better get back to the Senator." Ray turned, willingly ignoring the tentative hand reaching for him. 'Run' his heart told him. 'Run-run-run-fast' said the thu-thud of his heart, the beat of the blood in his veins.
'No way in fucking hell,' Ray thought to himself. He wasn't the one running, he wasn't the one who had run. He had a job to do, Fraser being there was just a coincidence, didn't mean anything unless he let it.
Steeling himself, Ray returned to the ballroom and found Williams. "It's taken care of, sir," Ray assured him. "And I've been told that the police has been notified as well."
A short nod from the head of security confirmed it. "Would you prefer to stay or return to your hotel?" Ray asked, hoping for the latter. He wanted to get out, wanted to put as much distance between Fraser and himself as possible.
Ray's hopes fell when Williams shook his head. "No, Mr. Kowalski, I am here and with the attacker well in hand, I don't see why I should let his interference keep me from enjoying this New Year's Eve."
Ah. Ray nodded his assent. "Very well, sir, but I'll continue to keep an eye out for trouble."
"You do that and may I say, I am pleased that the referrals I got to seek the help of O'Neill's company were not wrong. You have done a most splendid work, Mr. Kowalski."
Ray bowed his head a little. "I had a little help from Corp... Sergeant Fraser, sir." Credit given where credit was due.
Of course Williams absolutely loved Fraser when said Sergeant turned up, limping quite a bit, leaning heavily on his cane. Ray pulled up every defense he could think of, every wall he felt was sufficiently strong to get him through the night.
Someone up there hated him. Ray was sure of that.
"Nice work, Ray."
Ray grinned at Jack who was holding the elevator open for him. "Thanks, Boss," he replied with a grin.
"Oh, and Janine, our lovely secretary, tells me that you have three messages from the Canadian Consulate..." Jack leaned back against the wall, watching Ray carefully.
Ray sighed. "I know."
"You sure this is the right way of doing it?" Jack paused as the doors opened on the 1st floor.
"I doubt it," Ray admitted as he followed Jack toward the main entrance. "But I need time... I'm not sure how I might handle this..."
"Well, until then, I can tell you I just got a call from Senator Williams, who is very appreciative of your work. He wants you to show up tonight at this restaurant." Jack handed him a piece of paper with an address on. Wow, upscale place.
Ray sighed again. "Ah well, he's the guy paying the bill."
Jack laughed out loud as he put on his coat. "He's a good man, Ray. And you deserve it. You did a damned fine job."
"Well, I had... help."
"So you say," Jack said lightly, but Ray wasn't fooled for a moment.
"For someone who claims he doesn't want to pry, you're worse with gossip than my old granny," Ray said sourly, hiding his own smile.
"Hey, I'm getting old. I have to take my entertainment where I can get it."
Ray laughed out loud. "Don't let Daniel hear your talk about being old. He'll do what he can to prove you wrong."
"I'm counting on it," Jack said with a wink before he opened the front door, threw Ray a half-salute and disappeared down the street. Ray stayed where he was, looking outside. New York was still just cold and bare with winter. No snow, not even slush.
Finally he shook himself out of his reverie. He had cases to tend to, and he had to pick up his suit at the drycleaner's before dinner.
Ray managed to lose himself in his case and he barely made it to the drycleaner's before they closed. A quick run home for a shower and he was on his way to the restaurant. Hell, if Williams wanted to thank him with a good meal, Ray wasn't complaining.
Figured, of course, that he should have expected Fraser to be there as well. 'Civil,' Ray told himself. 'Act civilized for fuck's sake.'
Amazingly, they made it through dinner without any mishaps, mostly because Ray didn't seek eye contact with Fraser and the other way around. Williams talked about this and that, of course interested in hearing about the RCMP and what Fraser was doing in New York. Ray paid attention. He'd like to know that as well.
"My injuries were quite severe and after several months of physical therapy, anyone could see that I would have no future as an active member of the force," Fraser explained stoically, but something in Ray burned at that. It wasn't the same angry fire as before. That was still there, but somewhere in there, there was a part of him that felt sorry for Fraser. He was an active man, and Ray had seen just how fond he was of the hardship the Territories challenged him with.
"The RCMP was unsure what to do with me. So they promoted me and started looking for a posting..."
Ray's heart contracted. A desk job. It was like the death sentence to a man like Fraser.
"Was New York your own choice, Sergeant?" Williams asked, genuinely interested.
"I had... a few options. New York, Chicago..."
Ray got that and for the first time that night, he met and held Fraser's gaze. Too many memories in Chicago. Far too many. The rest of the dinner passed with small talk, Fraser's tales of the vast open lands of the Northwest Territories. Ray kept himself quiet most of the time, feeling a little guilty as he enjoyed letting the cadence of Fraser's voice wash over him again.
It had been far too long. At that moment Ray knew what he'd have to do to get it all out of his system. He had no idea what he hoped might come of it, but the only way he could get it all out was letting Fraser know what it had been like since they'd... parted ways.
"Ray..." The softness of Fraser's voice made Ray turn as he was heading down the street toward the underground parking-lot where he had parked his car.
"Fraser?" 'Play it cool, Kowalski. Don't do anything stupid.'
"I... I've tried calling you a few times..." Fraser looked distinctly flushed as he walked as fast as he could, catching up to Ray. Ray stopped and looked at his ex-partner.
"I know," Ray admitted softly.
"Oh... I was hoping we could find time to ...talk." Fraser didn't look as if he was putting too much faith in that.
Ray nodded. "Give me a little time, Fraser, okay? I didn't expect running into you." 'Ever again,' Ray finished it unsaid, but there was no missing it.
"I know I handled things badly," Fraser admitted, looking down at his feet.
Ray didn't snort. He wasn't feeling like being sarcastic. Quite frankly, he felt like crying or throwing up. Not exactly prime urges for a man his age.
"If... if you change your mind about speaking with me," Fraser said, words coming slowly. "You can reach me at the Canadian Consulate." He hesitated for a moment. "Diefenbaker is there as well."
Ray nodded. "I... I might," he said in a low voice.
"Good, that's... good." Fraser sounded as if he was caught somewhere between relief and complete and utter fear. Ray didn't blame him. Actually he knew exactly what that felt like.
"Good night, then..." Ray took a deep breath and turned around, catching Fraser's soft reply, wishing him a pleasant night as well. He didn't dare look back as he walked away. His pain felt far fresher than it should, and Ray wasn't sure what exactly to do about it.
Coming home, Ray caught himself staring at the phone. He didn't want to call Daniel, didn't want to run to him every time he felt uneasy. Daniel had said he could, but Ray wanted to handle it, wanted to get a grip on his emotional state.
"Focus," he told himself as he sat down on the couch. What he wanted... needed, was to let Fraser know what had happened. Unfortunately he wasn't sure he could just tell the man everything... not face to face. He really needed to think about it.
A quick cup of coffee and a trip to the bathroom to get ready for bed, and Ray slipped under the cool sheets. He wasn't going to solve it that easily. He had to find a way to make the things that had happened have the right impact. Not because he wanted Fraser to hurt like he had, but because he knew if he held back, he'd never get the Mountie to understand.
Nearly asleep, it hit him. Ray was up and out of bed a few seconds later, rummaging through the bottom drawer. He pulled the notebook out from under the dream catcher. Entering the living room, Ray found a pen and tore out a blank page.
Fraser,
I know this might be the coward's way out, but I have something I need you to read, something that I don't think I can explain to you face to face. I can tell you it won't be easy to read, and it's entirely your choice if you read it or not.
If there's any part of you that wants to salvage something from our former friendship, read it, carefully. I didn't write it to hurt you, but merely as a form of therapy. It helped me to understand that I was nowhere near as resolved as I thought I was. But I think we both need to get it out of our systems. I know I don't want to regret never resolving this when I'm old and grey.
R. Kowalski
Ray dug into a drawer in the kitchen and found an envelope. He tore the old 'letter' out of the notebook, folded it and wrote across the back: Read the other one first. Both letters went into the envelope and as Ray went back to bed, he felt both better and worse. He was going to swing by the Consulate tomorrow and hand it over. One way or another, it was necessary to go either forward or back, because this in-between sucked.
A white something nearly caused Ray to sit on his ass in the middle of the reception area of the Consulate, but he couldn't help grinning.
"Dief!" Ray dug his fingers into the heavy coat of fur and shook the wolf. Dief was dancing around him, wining, half-barking, trying to lick Ray's face.
"Diefenbaker." Fraser tried to keep his voice and tone stern, but even he seemed to have trouble doing so. A soft smile lit his face as he stopped in front of Ray.
Ray grinned. "I'm just here to give you this," he said, handing over the envelope to Fraser before he could change his mind.
Fraser's smile faltered a little.
"Read it, Fraser. Then we'll talk," Ray promised.
Fraser nodded "I was about to take Dief for a walk, would you care to join us?"
Ray was about to decline, then looked down at Dief who was staring adoringly up at him. Or maybe the wolf was just hungry. For a moment he stared at it then shook his head and sighed. He rubbed Dief's ears. "Read the letter, Fraser. Take the time to think about it. I promise you it will explain a few things. At least I hope it will."
"Then we talk?" Fraser asked softly, his expression sad underneath the stoic mask he was unsuccessfully trying to don.
"Then we talk," Ray agreed. 'If you'll even speak to me after reading it.'
Ray turned and walked away. The burning anger in his chest was nothing but a dull ache by now. It wasn't gone, not by a long stretch, but although Ray had gone over scenarios in his mind since the screw-up in Chicago, he'd either imagined himself behaving as if he'd put it behind him, or socking Fraser. He wasn't entirely sure how to handle what he was feeling
The next few days were torture to Ray. There were no calls from Fraser, no messages at all. Still, his worry was mixed with a certain calm. He knew that he'd poured a lot of his problems into that letter when he'd written it and that the mere thought of Fraser now knowing... Well, it did as much for him as any therapy session.
Then, when Friday came around and Ray was getting ready to put work behind him and embrace the weekend, it finally happened.
Ray leaned against the front desk, waiting for Janine to find some phone numbers for him. Jack came up next to him, coat hanging over his arm.
"Daniel wants to know if you're up for dinner and poker Sunday night," Jack said lightly.
"Oy," Ray sighed. "Doesn't he make enough money with his job? He's so lucky it's surreal."
Jack laughed out loud, then turned toward the entrance. Ferretti was leaving, shouting his goodbye and something white slipped past him.
"Whoa, what are you doing here, boy?" Jack reached down to let the wolf take a sniff at his hands.
Dief looked up at Ray, whining inquiringly. Ray couldn't help but smile. "Yeah, Dief. This is Jack, he's my boss -- Jack, meet Diefenbaker, Dief for short."
"Hey, Dief," Jack said, rubbing the wolf's ears.
Ray grinned at Dief, then took a deep breath as he watched the front glass doors, revealing Fraser on the other side. "I think that's my cue," Ray said softly.
Jack looked up and frowned. "Ray... is that...?"
Ray nodded.
"And you're sure you know what you're doing?"
Ray took the notes from Janine and wished her a good weekend, then turned to Jack. "No, I don't. I hope it'll work out, but I need to do this, Jack. I need to see it through."
Jack nodded. "I can see that."
"I'll be okay," Ray promised with a slightly cockier smile.
"Just be careful," Jack warned.
Ray threw him a quick salute. "Always, Boss, always." With that, he made for the door, Dief hot on his heels.
Opening the door, he found a nervous looking Fraser in civvies. "Hey," Ray greeted softly.
"Hello, Ray," Fraser said back, not raising his voice any more than Ray had.
"Are we civil enough to go grab something to eat in public?" Ray asked, figuring that Fraser showing up like this was a good sign. It had to be.
Fraser cleared his throat and ran a thumb over his eyebrow. "I should like to think so."
"Good," Ray agreed. "I know this little place around the corner where we can talk fairly privately. They might even let Dief in if I ask nicely."
Of course they let Ray bring in Dief. The owner was a friend of Jack's and Ray was a regular there. They were shown a booth in the corner by the windows, where they could see people rushing by to get out of the cold.
Ray ordered his usual sandwich and a cup of coffee. Fraser asked for the same, though chose tea instead of coffee. Even that was something Ray had missed. Their meals together, sharing coffee and tea either in his home or in some diner or café. Shaking his head he looked at Fraser across the table as he nudged Dief with the tip of his shoe under the table.
"I take it you read the letter," Ray said in a low voice.
Fraser nodded. "I did... It was... quite a revelation."
Ray shrugged. "Yeah... when I wrote it, it was a revelation to me as well," he admitted.
"I... I am sorry to have caused you so much pain," Fraser said softly, barely audible. The blue eyes that Ray had seen shine with happiness during their quest were somehow muted...
"I guess I could have followed you to Canada and made you listen... and talk," Ray admitted.
Fraser chuckled mirthlessly. "There is no excuse for me leaving like I did. There is no excuse for me not reacting logically, taking into account all the things that happened. Even if I did not remember at first."
"So you remember?" Ray asked, feeling heat fill his cheeks.
"I... started remembering... or rather, having flashbacks, some time ago." Fraser took a deep breath. "The first did not really come to me until I was injured, while I was heavily sedated at the hospital... I wasn't sure what was real and what was... imagination. I... I'm not as brave as you seem to think. I was afraid... and the more I realized what I had done... I felt so guilty."
"You read the letter I gave you, right? You're no more guilty about what happened that night than I am," Ray assured him. And it was true. The only thing Ray blamed Fraser for was running away. The actual act... no. Neither had been in a state where they could have stopped it.
"I still feel guilty..."
"You don't get it, do you? Fraser, I never blamed you for what happened. I had the crush on you from day one. I wanted it. Well, I'd have preferred us both being sober, but you know what really hurt? You didn't trust me, didn't allow me to try and fix it. You just assumed that I'd fucked you..." Ray drew a ragged breath.
"Ray... I never explained to you why I don't drink or why I strive to always be in control of myself. I did tell you about the ...situation at Depot where there had been drinking and where one cadet took advantage of another..." Fraser trailed off.
Ray nodded. "Yeah... I know you hated how it was handled."
Fraser shrugged, looking torn. "There's more to it, Ray. What I did to you was no better than what they did to..."
Ray stared at him, and it was as if someone had turned on the lights. "Shit... Fraser, the cadet who was raped..."
Fraser looked down into his tea, seemingly searching for words. "It was the shame afterwards... and... I made it far worse by behaving like my superiors did... toward you of all people. My friend."
Ray ran a hand through his hair. Christ, that sure explained a lot
"I feel I'm no better than they were. I know you didn't take advantage of me -- that was fear and the lack of memory speaking. But I feel so very guilty for leaving you behind. That was, as you would say, 'not buddies.'"
Ray swallowed hard. Fraser looked like he was about to crumble and Ray wanted nothing more than to hug the man. His own anger was slowly crumbling as his heart ached for his old friend. "Fraser... I didn't know..."
"I do not make a habit of sharing such things, Ray," Fraser admitted.
"I get that," Ray said. "I understand that."
Fraser opened his mouth as if to say something, then closed it again.
"Okay, out with it," Ray said before taking a sip of his coffee.
"Where does this leave us...?"
'Oh, Frase. Ask the hard ones first, huh?' "I don't know... I mean, I want to salvage our friendship..." as he said it, Ray realized just how much he meant it. "Are you staying in New York?"
For a moment something like hope flashed across Fraser's face. "I've been promoted, as you know. They offered me a few choice postings." Fraser halted for a moment, then continued. "I'm only fit for a desk job now. I was in the hospital for a long time and to make matters worse, the bullet in my back shifted so it had to be taken out lest it make more damage."
"Oh..." Ray took a deep breath.
"I also have to admit that I knew you were somewhere in New York." Fraser shot him a guilty look. "After my near brush with death, it made me realize that I could die tomorrow and we'd never have cleared the air between us."
Ray blinked hard. So they wanted the same thing in the end. Clean air between them. "Unresolved business... I get that. I need to think this through... I'm not saying I don't want to salvage our friendship, because I do. I just need to..."
"I know -- you need time. I understand. As do I... I need to think more about your letter. Need to truly understand it."
Ray nodded. Finally it seemed they were getting somewhere.
"I have more pieces now," Fraser said. "I have to get it all to fit."
"Too much to contemplate that I hav... had the hots for you?" Ray asked with a grin, trying to cover his slip.
Fraser looked at him for a moment, then nodded. "Yes, that as well."
"Fraser... did you ever talk to anyone about what happened at depot?"
"Only my superiors and you know how that turned out," Fraser said, bitterness coating his words.
"Did you ever think about talking to a pro?" Ray asked tentatively. It had helped him get on with his life. He ached for Fraser at the moment and as much as he had been angry with the man, they needed to mend on their own before they could mend their friendship fully.
"I'm not..." Fraser began.
"I know how you feel about shrinks, but maybe you need it. I even know someone you might talk to."
Fraser leaned back in his seat. "Oh?"
"Yeah, I got a friend named Daniel. If you want, I'll ask him. He mostly works with kids and teens, but just talking to him helped me a great deal."
"Daniel?" Another emotion flashed across Fraser's face, but Ray didn't know what it was.
"Doc Jackson. Look, you don't HAVE to but..."
"I... I shall think about it."
"Good... that's... good," Ray said, finally concentrating on his sandwich. They ate in companionable silence and Ray even managed to slip a bite down to Dief without Fraser commenting. It was so much like old times that it made Ray's chest ache.
When they parted outside the diner, Ray stood still for a while, watching his ...friend limp along the street, wolf at his side. Dief turned to look at Ray, but Ray shook his head. If he was lucky, he'd see them both again soon. As he lost sight of them, something fluttered past his eyes. Ray looked up and another cold and wet snowflake fluttered down to land on his nose.
Ray scrunched up his nose and grinned. Snow. Pure, white snow, at least as long as it lasted. It would soon be slushy and brownish grey. But right now? Right now it was pure, white and cold. His grin widened as he turned to make his way back to his apartment.
"Don't you look nice," Daniel grinned as he turned to give Ray an appraising look. Daniel was by the front entrance, waiting for Jack and Ray joined him as he waited for Fraser.
He'd finally heard from Fraser and they had another dinner date. Well, date and date. Ray didn't want to call it a date. It made it sound so... intimate. Yet the way Ray was feeling in his chest and stomach, it might just as well be one.
"Yeah, can't go out to dinner looking all scruffy and used," Ray said with a grin.
"Absolutely not," Daniel answered smoothly. He wasn't looking too bad himself in dark grey chinos and a black sweater.
Ray rolled his eyes and went to the door as he caught sight of Fraser outside. Dief-less. Oh well, hopefully he'd see the fur-face again soon. Making up with Dief wasn't the problem. It was setting things right with Fraser.
"Hey, Fraser," Ray greeted with a soft smile, trying to gauge Fraser's mood.
"Hello, Ray," Fraser greeted as he went through the door as Ray held it open. They were officially closed, but seeing that he, Jack and Daniel were going out, they would set the alarm on their way out. There was another entrance for when he got back, one that would take him to the elevator going up to the apartments above.
"Fraser, this is Doctor Jackson," Ray said, gesturing toward Daniel.
Fraser gave Daniel a strange look, then politely shook his hand. "Pleased to meet you, Doctor Jackson."
"Please, it's Daniel," Daniel said with a shrug. "I'm more than the sum of my education."
"I should hope so," Ray snorted.
"Hey, no dissing me because of my chosen profession," Daniel warned him with a playful smile.
Ray laughed out loud. "Not dissing you, Doc. You're one of the few shrinks I trust."
"Why thank you, Mr. Kowalski," Daniel said with an air of fake importance. Clearing his throat, he shook his head. "Sorry about that Sergeant," Daniel said, putting on a far more serious face. "Ray said you wanted to speak with me?"
Fraser looked like what he wanted most of all was turn tail and run. As far as humanly possible. "I... I am still considering it."
Daniel dug into his wallet and pulled out a business card which he handed over to Fraser. "Just call if you decide you need to talk."
Fraser hesitantly took the card, then put it in his coat pocket. "I shall."
"Daniel! Ah, there you are," Jack hurried around the corner. "Sorry I'm late, Love, the phone rang before I left the office."
"Christ on a crutch, Jack -- sometimes I think you're married to your job," Daniel said with a grin.
"Well, that's just because I can't legally marry you," Jack said with a wink. Stopping next to them, he held out his hand and shook Fraser's. "Sergeant Fraser, I take it?"
"Ah... yes, Mr. ..." Fraser looked a little overwhelmed and Ray couldn't blame him.
"O'Neill, I'm Ray's employer," Jack said, tugging at Daniel's sleeve. "We better get going or we'll be late."
"I was ready ten minutes ago," Daniel grumbled good-naturedly. Jack steered a laughing Daniel out the door with a wave to Ray and Fraser. Ray grinned and set the alarm, tugging a rather quiet Fraser along.
Dinner wasn't... at all what Ray had hoped for. Not that he'd expected everything to magically return to normal, but Fraser was even more buttoned up than normally.
Even though Ray had been hungry earlier, he pushed his food around on the plate. Something was definitely bugging Fraser, and Ray wished, not for the first time, that the man would just get to the point, let it out.
"Okay, I'll bite," Ray finally said. "What's eating ya now?"
Fraser shot him a surprised look, which turned into a frown. "I am loathe to put my nose where it does not belong..."
Ray snorted. "No, you put your tongue and nose in a lot of places and it doesn't normally bother you."
Fraser didn't laugh, just watched Ray for a moment. "Is there something between you and Dr. Jackson?" he asked.
Ray wasn't sure what surprised him more. The boldness and ridiculousness of the question or the fact that Fraser hadn't evaded, hadn't tried to tell him an Inuit story. "I... of course not. Why do you ask?"
"You seemed so very much at ease with him and you were... flirting." Fraser looked a little embarrassed.
"And that bothers you why? Because he's a man? Because he flirts with me while being in a relationship with another man himself?"
Fraser shook his head. "Please forget I asked."
"No, no, no." Ray shook his head. "Why did you ask?"
Fraser concentrated on his food.
"Fraser..." Ray deliberately put as much warning into his voice as possible.
"I..." Fraser hesitated. "I fear it made me feel jealous." With that admission he looked up, eyes wide with fear.
"Look, Frase. I don't want a repeat... I can't..." Ray shook his head. "Fraser, this is moving into territory which neither of us are comfortable with."
"I'm sorry, Ray. This is not your problem, it is mine." Fraser tiredly ran a hand through his hair. "Perhaps you are right. Perhaps I should talk to Dr. Jackson. My conflicting emotions are not only causing me problems, but they are hurting you as well."
Ray took a deep breath. He could do this. "Look, Fraser... we just need to take things slow."
"Perhaps it would be wiser for me to return to Canada..." Fraser muttered to himself, as if he wasn't hearing Ray.
Ray reached across the table and grabbed Fraser's hand, holding on when Fraser tried to pull it away. "Don't do this," he warned. "Fraser, for fuck's sake, if you run away again, I'll... I'll... kick you in the head!"
Fraser finally looked up at him, shock written clearly on his face.
"Yeah, I want you around," Ray said. "Is that so hard to accept?" Okay, time to piss or get off the pot. Take the bull by the horns... "There's something I need to tell you," Ray said softly. He hadn't consciously been considering this road, but as he searched for the right words, he realized that it felt right. It felt right for the first time since he'd lost Fraser.
"Ray?"
Ray held up a hand. "Fraser, I haven't dated since that... happened." Ray caught the change in Fraser's expression, the 'I am so guilty' one. "No, no, no! Don't you dare blame yourself for that! Look... when... when I fall, I fall hard I'm... like a fucking dog, loyal and needy... I cling. You know that, Fraser. I think after Stella... I only fell once after her... and I can't do it again. -- I fell for you, you idiot, that's why I haven't dated. Well, I've had dates with my right hand more often than not." Ray took a deep breath and grinned at Fraser's blush. "Look, maybe you should talk to Daniel, then we will talk about this..."
They sat in silence for a while, and Ray realized he was still holding on to Fraser's hand. Fraser, who wasn't trying to get away anymore.
"You believe we have a chance?" Fraser finally asked when Ray lifted his hand and tried to concentrate on his food.
"I don't know, Frase... But I'm willing to give it a try." Ray sat back, stopped pretending that he was hungry. "You?"
Fraser drew a shaky breath in. "I... I'm more than willing to try," he said, voice far more steady than it had been all evening.
"Good," Ray said quietly.
They skipped desert and although they hadn't enjoyed the food all that much, Ray figured the night had been good. They stood on the sidewalk outside the restaurant and Ray smiled softly at Fraser, who seemed to have lost some of the tired look to his face.
"It has been a... lovely evening," Fraser said softly.
"That's one way of putting it," Ray said with a grin.
Fraser ducked his head, but Ray caught the smile.
"There's your cab," Ray said, nodding toward the cab pulling up to the curb.
"I..." Fraser sighed deeply.
"We'll take the time it takes," Ray assured him. "Get home safe. Sweet dreams." With that he leaned in and touched his lips to Fraser's cheek.
The look Fraser gave him nearly undid Ray. So lonely, and so very familiar. "Missed ya," Ray admitted.
"And I you," Fraser whispered back. "Good night, Ray."
"Night, Frase," Ray said as he backed away, letting Fraser get into the cab. With a small wave he watched the cab pull out into traffic. With a much lighter heart, Ray turned and decided he could walk home. Wasn't that far, and although it had started snowing again, it wasn't too bad.
Ray sat back on the couch with a yawn. Damn, it'd been one long day. As he tried to decide if getting up to get a beer was worth it, his cell rang.
"Ray."
"Hi, it's Daniel."
Ray smiled and swung his legs up on the couch. "Hey, what's up?"
"That question has a multitude of answers, my friend," Daniel chuckled at the other end. "But seriously, I talked to Fraser today..."
Ray took a deep breath, then smiled a little. "He tell you Inuit stories?"
"Yeah..."
"It's nothing out of the ordinary there, Daniel. He's always done that... especially when there's something he'd like to talk about, but doesn't really want to bring up." Ray hesitated for a moment. "He's a very stubborn man, Daniel."
"So I've noticed," Daniel replied with a snort.
"He was always the oddball, but a great man. A wonderful friend. He strives to appear perfect, correct... but he's not. He's weird even by RCMP standards."
"You still love him very much, don't you?" Daniel asked softly.
"More than anything, but once burned twice shy, right?" Ray closed his eyes and sighed.
"Don't worry, Ray. If he's as stubborn as I think he is, he'll get through it."
"I know, Daniel... I know."
"Kowalski, I need someone to lock up tonight."
Ray looked up from the paperwork he was sifting through. "You got it, Boss. Daniel taking you out?" he asked, as he eyed the suit Jack was wearing.
Jack mock-growled. "Yeah, some fancy reception at the University. Lord knows I hate it."
"Look at it this way, Jack, you get to flaunt your gorgeous boyfriend." Ray leaned back and eyed his boss with a grin.
Jack laughed. "Speaking of gorgeous boyfriends..." he hinted.
"He's not.. we're not... um..." Ray felt his cheeks flush.
Jack didn't answer, just raised an eyebrow.
Ray couldn't help but laugh. "Thanks Jack," he said softly.
"Whatever for?" Jack asked, leaning on his desk.
"The whole thing. Giving me a chance back then, making me feel welcome, helping me fit in... trusting me."
"Aw, Kowalski, don't give me this mushy stuff..." Jack looked a little embarrassed, but the smile he gave Ray was one of pride. "I'm glad we pulled you aboard."
"So am I, so am I. I'll lock up, Jack. Go on, get out of here and have a good time." Ray waved him off.
Jack sauntered out with a distinctly pleased look on his face. Ray shook his head. Finishing up his paperwork, Ray got up to check the place and lock up. Janine had left about half an hour earlier, so he just checked the other offices. Nope, everyone had gone home for the weekend.
As he made his rounds, there was sound at the front door. Returning there, he found Fraser and Dief on the other side. With a soft smile, Ray let them in, getting slobbered in the face by Dief. He exchanged a shy smile with Fraser.
"I hope we're not disturbing you," Fraser said, looking as polite as always.
"Not at all, I was just closing up. Wanna go up to my place, eat a bit?" Ray asked, feeling a little awkward. He didn't want to do anything that might jeopardize their newly rediscovered friendship.
"I would love to..." Fraser looked down as Dief yipped. "I do stand corrected. We would both love to."
Ray grinned and pointed toward the elevator. "Take it up to the 8th floor, wait for me there. I gotta set the alarm before I join you."
Fraser nodded and gestured for Dief to follow. The wolf gave Ray's hand a last lick before following Fraser into the elevator.
A last quick check and Ray turned off the lights and set the alarm. On his way up in the elevator, he wondered again how wise it would be to spend the evening with Fraser in the privacy of his own home. So far they'd eaten out every time they'd met up.
As he exited the elevator, he found them waiting for him. "This way, guys," Ray said, leading the way down the hallway.
"This is... a very nice place, Ray," Fraser said when they entered the apartment.
"Thanks. Jack owns the place, but the employees who want to, lease apartments." It was... home. "And I can sleep in, in the mornings," Rays said with a wink.
Fraser's smile lit up. He obviously remembered Ray's inability to get out of bed early.
"May I borrow your bathroom?" Fraser asked, still looking around Ray's living room as he took his coat off and put it over the back of a chair.
"Sure, second door on the left," Ray said as he went into the kitchen to find something for Dief to drink from. The wolf taken care of, Ray went back into the living room.
Music. He needed something to calm himself down with. A quick trip to the CD player and the room filled with soft music. Ah, much better. Ray took off his glasses and put them on top of the stereo. He closed his eyes and swayed to the music.
When he opened his eyes again and turned he found Fraser right behind him. The impulse to just reach for him was too damned strong. Before he could stop himself, Ray slid his hands along Fraser's lower arms, drawing him closer.
"I have... missed seeing you like this," Fraser told him. The blue eyes were so familiar, and Ray realized that the constant low burn of anger, he had lived with for so long, had faded into nothingness.
Ray sighed softly, then took Fraser's cane and put it next to the stereo. "Don't argue with me, Mountie," Ray warned, maneuvering Fraser into position, as close as he dared. They shuffled to the music for a few minutes, then as the track changed, Ray gave into the urge and put his arms a little tighter around Fraser.
For just a moment, Fraser's stiff posture remained just that; stiff. Then a shiver went through the compact body and Ray was tentatively pulled closer. Fraser rested his head on Ray's shoulder and Ray could feel the light puff of Fraser's breath against his neck.
"Are we ever going to be ...okay again?" Fraser asked softly.
"I... I hope so," Ray whispered back. "This is... this is good," he admitted.
"I... yes... yes it is." Fraser's arms tightened around him. "This is very good."
Ray nuzzled Fraser's neck, breathing in the familiar scent. "Ben..."
Fraser turned his head a little, and for a moment they were sharing air. It reminded Ray of the Henry Allen. Pushing that memory back for a while, he tentatively pressed his lips to Fraser's.
A soft sigh gusted against his mouth before firm lips returned the kiss. Nothing extreme, just a quiet 'hello', reconnecting. "We have to be okay," Fraser whispered. "I'm not sure I would want to go on the way things have been."
Ray shook his head, closing his eyes. "Me neither, buddy. Me neither."
"Ray... can we take things slowly?"
"That's the only way to do it, Fr... Ben..." Ray buried his face where Fraser's shoulder and neck met. "That's the only way."
The End
Life was good, work was hard, but Ray wasn't complaining. Most of the time Jack dumped the missing persons cases on him, joking that he was going to add P.I. to Ray's name soon. The caseload slowly grew and Ray figured it was due to their good rep both with clients and the local PD.
Ray wasn't the only one noticing that things ran smoothly with the PD, when Christmas came, Ray found a little extra present from Santa.
"Jack... I can't accept this." 'This' was the check Ray was waving under his boss' nose.
Jack grinned and leaned back in his chair. "Sure ye can, Kowalski. You earned it. We've never had this good a relationship with the PD and don't tell me it's not your fault mainly. I'm just glad it panned out hiring one of theirs."
Ray shook his head in exasperation. He had about as much chance of returning that check as a snowball surviving in hell. "Jack..."
"Raaay," Jack mock-whined. "Take the damned check and see it as an inadequate way for me to thank you for furthering the company's goodwill."
"You been reading Daniel's dictionaries again?" Ray asked dryly, covering the warm feeling in his chest with his usual attitude.
Jack glared at him, but the brown eyes were twinkling with mirth. Lifting a hand, he silently pointed at the door.
"Yes, sir! Right away, sir!" Ray hurried out the door, trying not to laugh too hard.
The Christmas holidays were... grey and bleak. It wasn't that Ray didn't have any invitations to join others. No, his parents had called from Arizona, where they were now living again, asking him to join them and his brother's family for Christmas.
Ray had said no, a little white lie about having to work, had slipped past his lips, but he couldn't really bring himself to feel bad about it. Even if his mother had sounded terribly disappointed. Ray just didn't feel like being dragged into the family feast knowing they all looked a little odd at him because he was still single and family-less.
Things were... okay. Not fabulous, but okay. It had been nearly ten months since he'd broken down and accepted the help of his friends. He still wasn't dating, but his life was more or less in balance. Maybe once, when he felt completely at ease with himself again, he would go out and start seeing people outside work.
Until then, he kept to himself, apart from the times where he was dragged out kicking and screaming. It wasn't too bad, actually. He occasionally spent time with Jack or Daniel or both, and about once a month, Ferretti made sure he couldn't say no to a round of poker.
Actually, Ray hadn't completely lied about having to work. Although it wasn't during the Christmas days, but more New Year's Eve he had a job for. One of those he wasn't too fond off, but Jack had asked him to take it and Ray couldn't say no to the man.
As Ray tied his tie and slung the suit jacket over his shoulder, he gave himself a stern look in the mirror. He hated acting as a bodyguard, which was kind of funny, seeing as it was most of what the company did. Ray had simply taken over the part of the company dealing with the more investigative cases. Still, occasionally, he'd say yes when Jack asked him to take one.
A senator. Senator Williams. Ray scrunched up his face, then sighed. The guy was okay, more than okay actually. Ray had spent about an hour talking security measure with the man a few days earlier. There'd been threats made both by phone and mail and the police were still trying to find whomever was behind it.
The Senator had argued that he did not want to let whomever was doing this, force him to constantly fear for his own life. He had an invitation for the New Year's ball at the British Consulate in New York, and he intended to attend.
"Showtime," Ray whispered, before he turned around, grabbed his keys and left the apartment.
"Mr. Kowalski."
Ray tilted his head toward Senator Williams. "Sir?"
"Lighten up, young man. You look like one of the Men in Black." Williams shot him a short grin.
Ray swallowed a grin. He could have been less fortunate with a client. Williams wasn't too bad. "Well, I am wearing black, sir."
Williams grinned and patted his shoulder. "That you are, that you are."
Ray scanned the room, taking in the lavish, old-fashioned wall panels of the place. Huge paintings, heavy curtains covering the windows. Not that there was much to look at outside. New York had had no white Christmas this year, just freakishly cold weather with a heavy grey sky.
Ray could have sworn he'd smelled snow this morning, but it might just be a faded memory from the quest. Christ, Fraser had always been capable of smelling oncoming snow, sometimes even eerily being capable of predicting how much they'd get and for how long it would last.
Pushing down on his memories, Ray forced himself to concentrate on what was going on around him. Most of the guests were already there, the caterers slipping unobtrusively from table to guest to table, filling glasses and offering little sandwich thingies. Ray had already eaten. He wasn't a guest, wasn't eating at the table. He had an assignment that he would take care of, keeping all of his concentration on anyone suspicious.
Ray adjusted his glasses and rolled his shoulders. It wasn't that he felt above this kind of job, it was just... it often reminded him too much of a stakeout. He preferred moving, never had felt at ease just standing or sitting around.
His attentions swung to the entrance again. More guests were arriving and there was a brief flash of red that had Ray shaking his head. Nah. Just his eyes playing tricks on him. Probably just someone's fancy evening gown or something.
The next happened so fast that Ray reacted on pure instinct. One of the caterers pulled a gun, aiming it at Senator Williams. Ray grabbed the nearest serving tray from a passing caterer and slammed it into the gun, causing the guy to drop it, sending it flying across the floor.
Ray's eyes met the attacker's and the chase was on. A quick check to his left and Ray was assured that Williams was taken care of by the resident head of security, an older man who nodded at Ray, gesturing toward the retreating back of the attacker.
With a rumbled curse, Ray twisted between the guests, running as fast as he could while still keeping his sights set on the caterer's white jacket. Outside the room, in the well-lit hallway, the guy turned left, heading for the deeper parts of the house.
Ray could hear running behind him, knowing that some of the security was following him. Still, they were too far behind for Ray to slack it so he pushed himself harder.
The guy seemed at loss for a moment, then turned right at the next hallway, passing the doors to the bathrooms. His mistake. Something red flashed out of one of the doors and the caterer was tackled, thrown to the floor.
Ray was entirely focused on the attacker, and when the man scrambled to get up, Ray was on him, forcing him back down, holding him until security caught up with him.
"Take care of him," Ray warned. "And did someone call the NYPD?"
"The call is being made as we speak," a young blonde security guard assured him.
"Good, keep an eye on him until they get here, I'm gonna check up on Senator Williams." With that, Ray turned to regard the man who'd helped him and his breath stuck in his throat and Ray could have sworn his heart skipped several beats.
"Frase..." It slipped from his lips in a mere whisper. Then Ray cleared his throat bringing himself back in line. "Corporal." Ray caught himself almost saying constable, but... he remembered Fraser had been promoted shortly after their stint with Muldoon.
Sitting on the floor, blue eyes wide with wonder, Fraser was looking up at him. "I... it's... Sergeant now."
"Congratulations," Ray said automatically. Fraser looked good, if a little tired. Considering that it had been ten or so months since he'd been hurt badly, Ray was surprised that he looked as okay as he did. "Better get up, won't do the RCMP rep any good to have its members crawling around on the floor." Ray was surprised at how steady his voice was.
"I, eh..." Fraser shifted a little, indicating a cane that had skittered across the floor during the fight. The piercing eyes took Ray's breath away.
Ray picked up the cane, and forced himself to deal with the moment. Reaching down, he gave Fraser a hand up. The touch burned his palm and Ray had to fight the urge to let go and wipe his hand in his trouser leg to get rid of the strange tingling feeling that lingered.
Fraser released his hand and accepted the cane Ray offered him. For a moment they watched each other in silence. Ray took a deep breath, but no words were forthcoming. He'd gladly claim that it was because he had resolved his emotional state, but that would just be kidding himself.
In his gut, in his chest, the anger burned surprisingly low, but his hurt was still bright and blinding and as he watched Fraser there, right in front of him, in the flesh, decked out in the red Mountie uniform... he couldn't think of one thing to say that didn't in some way sound like 'why did you leave me? Why are you here? Can't you just let me live my life?'.
"I..." Ray shook his head to clear it. "I better get back to the Senator." Ray turned, willingly ignoring the tentative hand reaching for him. 'Run' his heart told him. 'Run-run-run-fast' said the thu-thud of his heart, the beat of the blood in his veins.
'No way in fucking hell,' Ray thought to himself. He wasn't the one running, he wasn't the one who had run. He had a job to do, Fraser being there was just a coincidence, didn't mean anything unless he let it.
Steeling himself, Ray returned to the ballroom and found Williams. "It's taken care of, sir," Ray assured him. "And I've been told that the police has been notified as well."
A short nod from the head of security confirmed it. "Would you prefer to stay or return to your hotel?" Ray asked, hoping for the latter. He wanted to get out, wanted to put as much distance between Fraser and himself as possible.
Ray's hopes fell when Williams shook his head. "No, Mr. Kowalski, I am here and with the attacker well in hand, I don't see why I should let his interference keep me from enjoying this New Year's Eve."
Ah. Ray nodded his assent. "Very well, sir, but I'll continue to keep an eye out for trouble."
"You do that and may I say, I am pleased that the referrals I got to seek the help of O'Neill's company were not wrong. You have done a most splendid work, Mr. Kowalski."
Ray bowed his head a little. "I had a little help from Corp... Sergeant Fraser, sir." Credit given where credit was due.
Of course Williams absolutely loved Fraser when said Sergeant turned up, limping quite a bit, leaning heavily on his cane. Ray pulled up every defense he could think of, every wall he felt was sufficiently strong to get him through the night.
Someone up there hated him. Ray was sure of that.
"Nice work, Ray."
Ray grinned at Jack who was holding the elevator open for him. "Thanks, Boss," he replied with a grin.
"Oh, and Janine, our lovely secretary, tells me that you have three messages from the Canadian Consulate..." Jack leaned back against the wall, watching Ray carefully.
Ray sighed. "I know."
"You sure this is the right way of doing it?" Jack paused as the doors opened on the 1st floor.
"I doubt it," Ray admitted as he followed Jack toward the main entrance. "But I need time... I'm not sure how I might handle this..."
"Well, until then, I can tell you I just got a call from Senator Williams, who is very appreciative of your work. He wants you to show up tonight at this restaurant." Jack handed him a piece of paper with an address on. Wow, upscale place.
Ray sighed again. "Ah well, he's the guy paying the bill."
Jack laughed out loud as he put on his coat. "He's a good man, Ray. And you deserve it. You did a damned fine job."
"Well, I had... help."
"So you say," Jack said lightly, but Ray wasn't fooled for a moment.
"For someone who claims he doesn't want to pry, you're worse with gossip than my old granny," Ray said sourly, hiding his own smile.
"Hey, I'm getting old. I have to take my entertainment where I can get it."
Ray laughed out loud. "Don't let Daniel hear your talk about being old. He'll do what he can to prove you wrong."
"I'm counting on it," Jack said with a wink before he opened the front door, threw Ray a half-salute and disappeared down the street. Ray stayed where he was, looking outside. New York was still just cold and bare with winter. No snow, not even slush.
Finally he shook himself out of his reverie. He had cases to tend to, and he had to pick up his suit at the drycleaner's before dinner.
Ray managed to lose himself in his case and he barely made it to the drycleaner's before they closed. A quick run home for a shower and he was on his way to the restaurant. Hell, if Williams wanted to thank him with a good meal, Ray wasn't complaining.
Figured, of course, that he should have expected Fraser to be there as well. 'Civil,' Ray told himself. 'Act civilized for fuck's sake.'
Amazingly, they made it through dinner without any mishaps, mostly because Ray didn't seek eye contact with Fraser and the other way around. Williams talked about this and that, of course interested in hearing about the RCMP and what Fraser was doing in New York. Ray paid attention. He'd like to know that as well.
"My injuries were quite severe and after several months of physical therapy, anyone could see that I would have no future as an active member of the force," Fraser explained stoically, but something in Ray burned at that. It wasn't the same angry fire as before. That was still there, but somewhere in there, there was a part of him that felt sorry for Fraser. He was an active man, and Ray had seen just how fond he was of the hardship the Territories challenged him with.
"The RCMP was unsure what to do with me. So they promoted me and started looking for a posting..."
Ray's heart contracted. A desk job. It was like the death sentence to a man like Fraser.
"Was New York your own choice, Sergeant?" Williams asked, genuinely interested.
"I had... a few options. New York, Chicago..."
Ray got that and for the first time that night, he met and held Fraser's gaze. Too many memories in Chicago. Far too many. The rest of the dinner passed with small talk, Fraser's tales of the vast open lands of the Northwest Territories. Ray kept himself quiet most of the time, feeling a little guilty as he enjoyed letting the cadence of Fraser's voice wash over him again.
It had been far too long. At that moment Ray knew what he'd have to do to get it all out of his system. He had no idea what he hoped might come of it, but the only way he could get it all out was letting Fraser know what it had been like since they'd... parted ways.
"Ray..." The softness of Fraser's voice made Ray turn as he was heading down the street toward the underground parking-lot where he had parked his car.
"Fraser?" 'Play it cool, Kowalski. Don't do anything stupid.'
"I... I've tried calling you a few times..." Fraser looked distinctly flushed as he walked as fast as he could, catching up to Ray. Ray stopped and looked at his ex-partner.
"I know," Ray admitted softly.
"Oh... I was hoping we could find time to ...talk." Fraser didn't look as if he was putting too much faith in that.
Ray nodded. "Give me a little time, Fraser, okay? I didn't expect running into you." 'Ever again,' Ray finished it unsaid, but there was no missing it.
"I know I handled things badly," Fraser admitted, looking down at his feet.
Ray didn't snort. He wasn't feeling like being sarcastic. Quite frankly, he felt like crying or throwing up. Not exactly prime urges for a man his age.
"If... if you change your mind about speaking with me," Fraser said, words coming slowly. "You can reach me at the Canadian Consulate." He hesitated for a moment. "Diefenbaker is there as well."
Ray nodded. "I... I might," he said in a low voice.
"Good, that's... good." Fraser sounded as if he was caught somewhere between relief and complete and utter fear. Ray didn't blame him. Actually he knew exactly what that felt like.
"Good night, then..." Ray took a deep breath and turned around, catching Fraser's soft reply, wishing him a pleasant night as well. He didn't dare look back as he walked away. His pain felt far fresher than it should, and Ray wasn't sure what exactly to do about it.
Coming home, Ray caught himself staring at the phone. He didn't want to call Daniel, didn't want to run to him every time he felt uneasy. Daniel had said he could, but Ray wanted to handle it, wanted to get a grip on his emotional state.
"Focus," he told himself as he sat down on the couch. What he wanted... needed, was to let Fraser know what had happened. Unfortunately he wasn't sure he could just tell the man everything... not face to face. He really needed to think about it.
A quick cup of coffee and a trip to the bathroom to get ready for bed, and Ray slipped under the cool sheets. He wasn't going to solve it that easily. He had to find a way to make the things that had happened have the right impact. Not because he wanted Fraser to hurt like he had, but because he knew if he held back, he'd never get the Mountie to understand.
Nearly asleep, it hit him. Ray was up and out of bed a few seconds later, rummaging through the bottom drawer. He pulled the notebook out from under the dream catcher. Entering the living room, Ray found a pen and tore out a blank page.
Fraser,
I know this might be the coward's way out, but I have something I need you to read, something that I don't think I can explain to you face to face. I can tell you it won't be easy to read, and it's entirely your choice if you read it or not.
If there's any part of you that wants to salvage something from our former friendship, read it, carefully. I didn't write it to hurt you, but merely as a form of therapy. It helped me to understand that I was nowhere near as resolved as I thought I was. But I think we both need to get it out of our systems. I know I don't want to regret never resolving this when I'm old and grey.
R. Kowalski
Ray dug into a drawer in the kitchen and found an envelope. He tore the old 'letter' out of the notebook, folded it and wrote across the back: Read the other one first. Both letters went into the envelope and as Ray went back to bed, he felt both better and worse. He was going to swing by the Consulate tomorrow and hand it over. One way or another, it was necessary to go either forward or back, because this in-between sucked.
A white something nearly caused Ray to sit on his ass in the middle of the reception area of the Consulate, but he couldn't help grinning.
"Dief!" Ray dug his fingers into the heavy coat of fur and shook the wolf. Dief was dancing around him, wining, half-barking, trying to lick Ray's face.
"Diefenbaker." Fraser tried to keep his voice and tone stern, but even he seemed to have trouble doing so. A soft smile lit his face as he stopped in front of Ray.
Ray grinned. "I'm just here to give you this," he said, handing over the envelope to Fraser before he could change his mind.
Fraser's smile faltered a little.
"Read it, Fraser. Then we'll talk," Ray promised.
Fraser nodded "I was about to take Dief for a walk, would you care to join us?"
Ray was about to decline, then looked down at Dief who was staring adoringly up at him. Or maybe the wolf was just hungry. For a moment he stared at it then shook his head and sighed. He rubbed Dief's ears. "Read the letter, Fraser. Take the time to think about it. I promise you it will explain a few things. At least I hope it will."
"Then we talk?" Fraser asked softly, his expression sad underneath the stoic mask he was unsuccessfully trying to don.
"Then we talk," Ray agreed. 'If you'll even speak to me after reading it.'
Ray turned and walked away. The burning anger in his chest was nothing but a dull ache by now. It wasn't gone, not by a long stretch, but although Ray had gone over scenarios in his mind since the screw-up in Chicago, he'd either imagined himself behaving as if he'd put it behind him, or socking Fraser. He wasn't entirely sure how to handle what he was feeling
The next few days were torture to Ray. There were no calls from Fraser, no messages at all. Still, his worry was mixed with a certain calm. He knew that he'd poured a lot of his problems into that letter when he'd written it and that the mere thought of Fraser now knowing... Well, it did as much for him as any therapy session.
Then, when Friday came around and Ray was getting ready to put work behind him and embrace the weekend, it finally happened.
Ray leaned against the front desk, waiting for Janine to find some phone numbers for him. Jack came up next to him, coat hanging over his arm.
"Daniel wants to know if you're up for dinner and poker Sunday night," Jack said lightly.
"Oy," Ray sighed. "Doesn't he make enough money with his job? He's so lucky it's surreal."
Jack laughed out loud, then turned toward the entrance. Ferretti was leaving, shouting his goodbye and something white slipped past him.
"Whoa, what are you doing here, boy?" Jack reached down to let the wolf take a sniff at his hands.
Dief looked up at Ray, whining inquiringly. Ray couldn't help but smile. "Yeah, Dief. This is Jack, he's my boss -- Jack, meet Diefenbaker, Dief for short."
"Hey, Dief," Jack said, rubbing the wolf's ears.
Ray grinned at Dief, then took a deep breath as he watched the front glass doors, revealing Fraser on the other side. "I think that's my cue," Ray said softly.
Jack looked up and frowned. "Ray... is that...?"
Ray nodded.
"And you're sure you know what you're doing?"
Ray took the notes from Janine and wished her a good weekend, then turned to Jack. "No, I don't. I hope it'll work out, but I need to do this, Jack. I need to see it through."
Jack nodded. "I can see that."
"I'll be okay," Ray promised with a slightly cockier smile.
"Just be careful," Jack warned.
Ray threw him a quick salute. "Always, Boss, always." With that, he made for the door, Dief hot on his heels.
Opening the door, he found a nervous looking Fraser in civvies. "Hey," Ray greeted softly.
"Hello, Ray," Fraser said back, not raising his voice any more than Ray had.
"Are we civil enough to go grab something to eat in public?" Ray asked, figuring that Fraser showing up like this was a good sign. It had to be.
Fraser cleared his throat and ran a thumb over his eyebrow. "I should like to think so."
"Good," Ray agreed. "I know this little place around the corner where we can talk fairly privately. They might even let Dief in if I ask nicely."
Of course they let Ray bring in Dief. The owner was a friend of Jack's and Ray was a regular there. They were shown a booth in the corner by the windows, where they could see people rushing by to get out of the cold.
Ray ordered his usual sandwich and a cup of coffee. Fraser asked for the same, though chose tea instead of coffee. Even that was something Ray had missed. Their meals together, sharing coffee and tea either in his home or in some diner or café. Shaking his head he looked at Fraser across the table as he nudged Dief with the tip of his shoe under the table.
"I take it you read the letter," Ray said in a low voice.
Fraser nodded. "I did... It was... quite a revelation."
Ray shrugged. "Yeah... when I wrote it, it was a revelation to me as well," he admitted.
"I... I am sorry to have caused you so much pain," Fraser said softly, barely audible. The blue eyes that Ray had seen shine with happiness during their quest were somehow muted...
"I guess I could have followed you to Canada and made you listen... and talk," Ray admitted.
Fraser chuckled mirthlessly. "There is no excuse for me leaving like I did. There is no excuse for me not reacting logically, taking into account all the things that happened. Even if I did not remember at first."
"So you remember?" Ray asked, feeling heat fill his cheeks.
"I... started remembering... or rather, having flashbacks, some time ago." Fraser took a deep breath. "The first did not really come to me until I was injured, while I was heavily sedated at the hospital... I wasn't sure what was real and what was... imagination. I... I'm not as brave as you seem to think. I was afraid... and the more I realized what I had done... I felt so guilty."
"You read the letter I gave you, right? You're no more guilty about what happened that night than I am," Ray assured him. And it was true. The only thing Ray blamed Fraser for was running away. The actual act... no. Neither had been in a state where they could have stopped it.
"I still feel guilty..."
"You don't get it, do you? Fraser, I never blamed you for what happened. I had the crush on you from day one. I wanted it. Well, I'd have preferred us both being sober, but you know what really hurt? You didn't trust me, didn't allow me to try and fix it. You just assumed that I'd fucked you..." Ray drew a ragged breath.
"Ray... I never explained to you why I don't drink or why I strive to always be in control of myself. I did tell you about the ...situation at Depot where there had been drinking and where one cadet took advantage of another..." Fraser trailed off.
Ray nodded. "Yeah... I know you hated how it was handled."
Fraser shrugged, looking torn. "There's more to it, Ray. What I did to you was no better than what they did to..."
Ray stared at him, and it was as if someone had turned on the lights. "Shit... Fraser, the cadet who was raped..."
Fraser looked down into his tea, seemingly searching for words. "It was the shame afterwards... and... I made it far worse by behaving like my superiors did... toward you of all people. My friend."
Ray ran a hand through his hair. Christ, that sure explained a lot
"I feel I'm no better than they were. I know you didn't take advantage of me -- that was fear and the lack of memory speaking. But I feel so very guilty for leaving you behind. That was, as you would say, 'not buddies.'"
Ray swallowed hard. Fraser looked like he was about to crumble and Ray wanted nothing more than to hug the man. His own anger was slowly crumbling as his heart ached for his old friend. "Fraser... I didn't know..."
"I do not make a habit of sharing such things, Ray," Fraser admitted.
"I get that," Ray said. "I understand that."
Fraser opened his mouth as if to say something, then closed it again.
"Okay, out with it," Ray said before taking a sip of his coffee.
"Where does this leave us...?"
'Oh, Frase. Ask the hard ones first, huh?' "I don't know... I mean, I want to salvage our friendship..." as he said it, Ray realized just how much he meant it. "Are you staying in New York?"
For a moment something like hope flashed across Fraser's face. "I've been promoted, as you know. They offered me a few choice postings." Fraser halted for a moment, then continued. "I'm only fit for a desk job now. I was in the hospital for a long time and to make matters worse, the bullet in my back shifted so it had to be taken out lest it make more damage."
"Oh..." Ray took a deep breath.
"I also have to admit that I knew you were somewhere in New York." Fraser shot him a guilty look. "After my near brush with death, it made me realize that I could die tomorrow and we'd never have cleared the air between us."
Ray blinked hard. So they wanted the same thing in the end. Clean air between them. "Unresolved business... I get that. I need to think this through... I'm not saying I don't want to salvage our friendship, because I do. I just need to..."
"I know -- you need time. I understand. As do I... I need to think more about your letter. Need to truly understand it."
Ray nodded. Finally it seemed they were getting somewhere.
"I have more pieces now," Fraser said. "I have to get it all to fit."
"Too much to contemplate that I hav... had the hots for you?" Ray asked with a grin, trying to cover his slip.
Fraser looked at him for a moment, then nodded. "Yes, that as well."
"Fraser... did you ever talk to anyone about what happened at depot?"
"Only my superiors and you know how that turned out," Fraser said, bitterness coating his words.
"Did you ever think about talking to a pro?" Ray asked tentatively. It had helped him get on with his life. He ached for Fraser at the moment and as much as he had been angry with the man, they needed to mend on their own before they could mend their friendship fully.
"I'm not..." Fraser began.
"I know how you feel about shrinks, but maybe you need it. I even know someone you might talk to."
Fraser leaned back in his seat. "Oh?"
"Yeah, I got a friend named Daniel. If you want, I'll ask him. He mostly works with kids and teens, but just talking to him helped me a great deal."
"Daniel?" Another emotion flashed across Fraser's face, but Ray didn't know what it was.
"Doc Jackson. Look, you don't HAVE to but..."
"I... I shall think about it."
"Good... that's... good," Ray said, finally concentrating on his sandwich. They ate in companionable silence and Ray even managed to slip a bite down to Dief without Fraser commenting. It was so much like old times that it made Ray's chest ache.
When they parted outside the diner, Ray stood still for a while, watching his ...friend limp along the street, wolf at his side. Dief turned to look at Ray, but Ray shook his head. If he was lucky, he'd see them both again soon. As he lost sight of them, something fluttered past his eyes. Ray looked up and another cold and wet snowflake fluttered down to land on his nose.
Ray scrunched up his nose and grinned. Snow. Pure, white snow, at least as long as it lasted. It would soon be slushy and brownish grey. But right now? Right now it was pure, white and cold. His grin widened as he turned to make his way back to his apartment.
"Don't you look nice," Daniel grinned as he turned to give Ray an appraising look. Daniel was by the front entrance, waiting for Jack and Ray joined him as he waited for Fraser.
He'd finally heard from Fraser and they had another dinner date. Well, date and date. Ray didn't want to call it a date. It made it sound so... intimate. Yet the way Ray was feeling in his chest and stomach, it might just as well be one.
"Yeah, can't go out to dinner looking all scruffy and used," Ray said with a grin.
"Absolutely not," Daniel answered smoothly. He wasn't looking too bad himself in dark grey chinos and a black sweater.
Ray rolled his eyes and went to the door as he caught sight of Fraser outside. Dief-less. Oh well, hopefully he'd see the fur-face again soon. Making up with Dief wasn't the problem. It was setting things right with Fraser.
"Hey, Fraser," Ray greeted with a soft smile, trying to gauge Fraser's mood.
"Hello, Ray," Fraser greeted as he went through the door as Ray held it open. They were officially closed, but seeing that he, Jack and Daniel were going out, they would set the alarm on their way out. There was another entrance for when he got back, one that would take him to the elevator going up to the apartments above.
"Fraser, this is Doctor Jackson," Ray said, gesturing toward Daniel.
Fraser gave Daniel a strange look, then politely shook his hand. "Pleased to meet you, Doctor Jackson."
"Please, it's Daniel," Daniel said with a shrug. "I'm more than the sum of my education."
"I should hope so," Ray snorted.
"Hey, no dissing me because of my chosen profession," Daniel warned him with a playful smile.
Ray laughed out loud. "Not dissing you, Doc. You're one of the few shrinks I trust."
"Why thank you, Mr. Kowalski," Daniel said with an air of fake importance. Clearing his throat, he shook his head. "Sorry about that Sergeant," Daniel said, putting on a far more serious face. "Ray said you wanted to speak with me?"
Fraser looked like what he wanted most of all was turn tail and run. As far as humanly possible. "I... I am still considering it."
Daniel dug into his wallet and pulled out a business card which he handed over to Fraser. "Just call if you decide you need to talk."
Fraser hesitantly took the card, then put it in his coat pocket. "I shall."
"Daniel! Ah, there you are," Jack hurried around the corner. "Sorry I'm late, Love, the phone rang before I left the office."
"Christ on a crutch, Jack -- sometimes I think you're married to your job," Daniel said with a grin.
"Well, that's just because I can't legally marry you," Jack said with a wink. Stopping next to them, he held out his hand and shook Fraser's. "Sergeant Fraser, I take it?"
"Ah... yes, Mr. ..." Fraser looked a little overwhelmed and Ray couldn't blame him.
"O'Neill, I'm Ray's employer," Jack said, tugging at Daniel's sleeve. "We better get going or we'll be late."
"I was ready ten minutes ago," Daniel grumbled good-naturedly. Jack steered a laughing Daniel out the door with a wave to Ray and Fraser. Ray grinned and set the alarm, tugging a rather quiet Fraser along.
Dinner wasn't... at all what Ray had hoped for. Not that he'd expected everything to magically return to normal, but Fraser was even more buttoned up than normally.
Even though Ray had been hungry earlier, he pushed his food around on the plate. Something was definitely bugging Fraser, and Ray wished, not for the first time, that the man would just get to the point, let it out.
"Okay, I'll bite," Ray finally said. "What's eating ya now?"
Fraser shot him a surprised look, which turned into a frown. "I am loathe to put my nose where it does not belong..."
Ray snorted. "No, you put your tongue and nose in a lot of places and it doesn't normally bother you."
Fraser didn't laugh, just watched Ray for a moment. "Is there something between you and Dr. Jackson?" he asked.
Ray wasn't sure what surprised him more. The boldness and ridiculousness of the question or the fact that Fraser hadn't evaded, hadn't tried to tell him an Inuit story. "I... of course not. Why do you ask?"
"You seemed so very much at ease with him and you were... flirting." Fraser looked a little embarrassed.
"And that bothers you why? Because he's a man? Because he flirts with me while being in a relationship with another man himself?"
Fraser shook his head. "Please forget I asked."
"No, no, no." Ray shook his head. "Why did you ask?"
Fraser concentrated on his food.
"Fraser..." Ray deliberately put as much warning into his voice as possible.
"I..." Fraser hesitated. "I fear it made me feel jealous." With that admission he looked up, eyes wide with fear.
"Look, Frase. I don't want a repeat... I can't..." Ray shook his head. "Fraser, this is moving into territory which neither of us are comfortable with."
"I'm sorry, Ray. This is not your problem, it is mine." Fraser tiredly ran a hand through his hair. "Perhaps you are right. Perhaps I should talk to Dr. Jackson. My conflicting emotions are not only causing me problems, but they are hurting you as well."
Ray took a deep breath. He could do this. "Look, Fraser... we just need to take things slow."
"Perhaps it would be wiser for me to return to Canada..." Fraser muttered to himself, as if he wasn't hearing Ray.
Ray reached across the table and grabbed Fraser's hand, holding on when Fraser tried to pull it away. "Don't do this," he warned. "Fraser, for fuck's sake, if you run away again, I'll... I'll... kick you in the head!"
Fraser finally looked up at him, shock written clearly on his face.
"Yeah, I want you around," Ray said. "Is that so hard to accept?" Okay, time to piss or get off the pot. Take the bull by the horns... "There's something I need to tell you," Ray said softly. He hadn't consciously been considering this road, but as he searched for the right words, he realized that it felt right. It felt right for the first time since he'd lost Fraser.
"Ray?"
Ray held up a hand. "Fraser, I haven't dated since that... happened." Ray caught the change in Fraser's expression, the 'I am so guilty' one. "No, no, no! Don't you dare blame yourself for that! Look... when... when I fall, I fall hard I'm... like a fucking dog, loyal and needy... I cling. You know that, Fraser. I think after Stella... I only fell once after her... and I can't do it again. -- I fell for you, you idiot, that's why I haven't dated. Well, I've had dates with my right hand more often than not." Ray took a deep breath and grinned at Fraser's blush. "Look, maybe you should talk to Daniel, then we will talk about this..."
They sat in silence for a while, and Ray realized he was still holding on to Fraser's hand. Fraser, who wasn't trying to get away anymore.
"You believe we have a chance?" Fraser finally asked when Ray lifted his hand and tried to concentrate on his food.
"I don't know, Frase... But I'm willing to give it a try." Ray sat back, stopped pretending that he was hungry. "You?"
Fraser drew a shaky breath in. "I... I'm more than willing to try," he said, voice far more steady than it had been all evening.
"Good," Ray said quietly.
They skipped desert and although they hadn't enjoyed the food all that much, Ray figured the night had been good. They stood on the sidewalk outside the restaurant and Ray smiled softly at Fraser, who seemed to have lost some of the tired look to his face.
"It has been a... lovely evening," Fraser said softly.
"That's one way of putting it," Ray said with a grin.
Fraser ducked his head, but Ray caught the smile.
"There's your cab," Ray said, nodding toward the cab pulling up to the curb.
"I..." Fraser sighed deeply.
"We'll take the time it takes," Ray assured him. "Get home safe. Sweet dreams." With that he leaned in and touched his lips to Fraser's cheek.
The look Fraser gave him nearly undid Ray. So lonely, and so very familiar. "Missed ya," Ray admitted.
"And I you," Fraser whispered back. "Good night, Ray."
"Night, Frase," Ray said as he backed away, letting Fraser get into the cab. With a small wave he watched the cab pull out into traffic. With a much lighter heart, Ray turned and decided he could walk home. Wasn't that far, and although it had started snowing again, it wasn't too bad.
Ray sat back on the couch with a yawn. Damn, it'd been one long day. As he tried to decide if getting up to get a beer was worth it, his cell rang.
"Ray."
"Hi, it's Daniel."
Ray smiled and swung his legs up on the couch. "Hey, what's up?"
"That question has a multitude of answers, my friend," Daniel chuckled at the other end. "But seriously, I talked to Fraser today..."
Ray took a deep breath, then smiled a little. "He tell you Inuit stories?"
"Yeah..."
"It's nothing out of the ordinary there, Daniel. He's always done that... especially when there's something he'd like to talk about, but doesn't really want to bring up." Ray hesitated for a moment. "He's a very stubborn man, Daniel."
"So I've noticed," Daniel replied with a snort.
"He was always the oddball, but a great man. A wonderful friend. He strives to appear perfect, correct... but he's not. He's weird even by RCMP standards."
"You still love him very much, don't you?" Daniel asked softly.
"More than anything, but once burned twice shy, right?" Ray closed his eyes and sighed.
"Don't worry, Ray. If he's as stubborn as I think he is, he'll get through it."
"I know, Daniel... I know."
"Kowalski, I need someone to lock up tonight."
Ray looked up from the paperwork he was sifting through. "You got it, Boss. Daniel taking you out?" he asked, as he eyed the suit Jack was wearing.
Jack mock-growled. "Yeah, some fancy reception at the University. Lord knows I hate it."
"Look at it this way, Jack, you get to flaunt your gorgeous boyfriend." Ray leaned back and eyed his boss with a grin.
Jack laughed. "Speaking of gorgeous boyfriends..." he hinted.
"He's not.. we're not... um..." Ray felt his cheeks flush.
Jack didn't answer, just raised an eyebrow.
Ray couldn't help but laugh. "Thanks Jack," he said softly.
"Whatever for?" Jack asked, leaning on his desk.
"The whole thing. Giving me a chance back then, making me feel welcome, helping me fit in... trusting me."
"Aw, Kowalski, don't give me this mushy stuff..." Jack looked a little embarrassed, but the smile he gave Ray was one of pride. "I'm glad we pulled you aboard."
"So am I, so am I. I'll lock up, Jack. Go on, get out of here and have a good time." Ray waved him off.
Jack sauntered out with a distinctly pleased look on his face. Ray shook his head. Finishing up his paperwork, Ray got up to check the place and lock up. Janine had left about half an hour earlier, so he just checked the other offices. Nope, everyone had gone home for the weekend.
As he made his rounds, there was sound at the front door. Returning there, he found Fraser and Dief on the other side. With a soft smile, Ray let them in, getting slobbered in the face by Dief. He exchanged a shy smile with Fraser.
"I hope we're not disturbing you," Fraser said, looking as polite as always.
"Not at all, I was just closing up. Wanna go up to my place, eat a bit?" Ray asked, feeling a little awkward. He didn't want to do anything that might jeopardize their newly rediscovered friendship.
"I would love to..." Fraser looked down as Dief yipped. "I do stand corrected. We would both love to."
Ray grinned and pointed toward the elevator. "Take it up to the 8th floor, wait for me there. I gotta set the alarm before I join you."
Fraser nodded and gestured for Dief to follow. The wolf gave Ray's hand a last lick before following Fraser into the elevator.
A last quick check and Ray turned off the lights and set the alarm. On his way up in the elevator, he wondered again how wise it would be to spend the evening with Fraser in the privacy of his own home. So far they'd eaten out every time they'd met up.
As he exited the elevator, he found them waiting for him. "This way, guys," Ray said, leading the way down the hallway.
"This is... a very nice place, Ray," Fraser said when they entered the apartment.
"Thanks. Jack owns the place, but the employees who want to, lease apartments." It was... home. "And I can sleep in, in the mornings," Rays said with a wink.
Fraser's smile lit up. He obviously remembered Ray's inability to get out of bed early.
"May I borrow your bathroom?" Fraser asked, still looking around Ray's living room as he took his coat off and put it over the back of a chair.
"Sure, second door on the left," Ray said as he went into the kitchen to find something for Dief to drink from. The wolf taken care of, Ray went back into the living room.
Music. He needed something to calm himself down with. A quick trip to the CD player and the room filled with soft music. Ah, much better. Ray took off his glasses and put them on top of the stereo. He closed his eyes and swayed to the music.
When he opened his eyes again and turned he found Fraser right behind him. The impulse to just reach for him was too damned strong. Before he could stop himself, Ray slid his hands along Fraser's lower arms, drawing him closer.
"I have... missed seeing you like this," Fraser told him. The blue eyes were so familiar, and Ray realized that the constant low burn of anger, he had lived with for so long, had faded into nothingness.
Ray sighed softly, then took Fraser's cane and put it next to the stereo. "Don't argue with me, Mountie," Ray warned, maneuvering Fraser into position, as close as he dared. They shuffled to the music for a few minutes, then as the track changed, Ray gave into the urge and put his arms a little tighter around Fraser.
For just a moment, Fraser's stiff posture remained just that; stiff. Then a shiver went through the compact body and Ray was tentatively pulled closer. Fraser rested his head on Ray's shoulder and Ray could feel the light puff of Fraser's breath against his neck.
"Are we ever going to be ...okay again?" Fraser asked softly.
"I... I hope so," Ray whispered back. "This is... this is good," he admitted.
"I... yes... yes it is." Fraser's arms tightened around him. "This is very good."
Ray nuzzled Fraser's neck, breathing in the familiar scent. "Ben..."
Fraser turned his head a little, and for a moment they were sharing air. It reminded Ray of the Henry Allen. Pushing that memory back for a while, he tentatively pressed his lips to Fraser's.
A soft sigh gusted against his mouth before firm lips returned the kiss. Nothing extreme, just a quiet 'hello', reconnecting. "We have to be okay," Fraser whispered. "I'm not sure I would want to go on the way things have been."
Ray shook his head, closing his eyes. "Me neither, buddy. Me neither."
"Ray... can we take things slowly?"
"That's the only way to do it, Fr... Ben..." Ray buried his face where Fraser's shoulder and neck met. "That's the only way."
The End
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That was great - all the characters were spot on, which is never an easy task when you're writing an AU, the pace of the story was wonderful and the differences between Ray's situation and Jack and Daniel's made the whole fic even more poignant. Also enjoyed the friendship that built between Ray and the guys... Did I mention I loved your Jack and Daniel here? Cause I did. They seemed to have such a solid and loving relationship, that was just grand!
Since I'm an angst junkie, the whole angst angle really delighted me and I think you dealt with the whole subject wonderfully.
So anyway, it's 3.00 in the morning and here I am, writing you a pretty incoherent comment! That should tell you how much I enjoyed your fic lol
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Awww, I'm sorry to have kept you up into the wee hours *g* -- and you mean to tell me you didn't know this AU version of Jack and Daniel? Hehehe, I still remember having so much fun back when I wrote 'Protected' and it felt so natural to get them back into a story *g*
And I know you're an angst junkie. It's not my usual way of writing, but somehow the muses were on crack for this one LOL.
Thank you *^_^* -- always glad when a story works.
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ALSO, how much do I love your banner?
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Well, it's very unlike what I normally write, and I'm not sure what kind of crack the muses were on for this one *g*
Glad you enjoyed it ^_^
The banner? You mean the banner of the livejournal or the loverly cover/manip that
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Oh dear... no, no icons so far -- at least not for sharing LOL -- I might make more. The chibi-style isn't what I normally do, so I'm trying to learn as I go *g* But I'm glad you like the banner *^_^*
There are a few more chibis lurking here (http://www.ximeria.popullus.net/artwork/ds-gallery1.htm) -- a few of the non-chibi sketches are a LOT more graphic, just a gentle warning LOL
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For some reason, I feel really bad for Fraser in this fic, despite the fact that it's Ray's angst we get to hear about. Maybe that's why actually - we worked through it all with him, but poor Fraser has his own angsty story to tell.
So....
sequal?
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Actually, both would be best. Definitely.
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